Link Love and In Response to Anonymous #2

I am so so sorry I've neglected the blog, but this week has been crazy!  This was the last week of the month, meaning I was working 13 to 15 hour days and didn't even have time to breathe, let alone blog.  Anyway, for now, I want to leave you with a few awesome links that really hit home with me this week.  If you aren't already following these bloggers, I suggest you check them out!

First up, Gena from Choosing Raw wrote an amazing essay on embracing our appetites... for everything.  As a feminist and a woman, I can totally relate to this.  For a major chunk of my life, I was so focused on being the 'good girl' or the 'skinny girl' that I ignored everything and anything I was craving.  This essay really brings to light the fact that many of us do this all the time.  

Next, my good friend Rachel from Shedding It & Getting It wrote a few awesome posts related to the same idea.  Her first one about going with her cravings and deciding not to justify to herself or anyone else what she wanted was so inspiring that I just had to smile.  She also wrote one a few days ago about "Your Unruly Appetite" that was inspired by Gena's post.  My favorite line? "Sometimes a girl needs to eat. And get laid. It’s biology, people — not a big f****** deal." (Man, my parents are going to love that one...Hi, Mom!).

Another blogger, Kristin from Cook, Bake, and Nibble, talked about her experiences with disordered eating and denying herself as well.  Since it was NEDAwareness week, she talked about her struggles with body image and food.  I love the honesty of all of these ladies this week!

And one last thing before I go, I really wanted to address a comment left on my last post 'Are Eating Disorders Contagious?'  The second anonymous comment had this to say: "It sounds like you have an eating disorder and have had it since college. That's what therapy is for. I don't know if you can begin to get healthy until you face your demons and not project them on to your surroundings. I hope you take the steps to get help." While I appreciate the honesty, and I think everyone has a right to state his or her opinion, I did want to discuss this one.  First of all, when I state my opinion in this way, I at least own up to it.  I wish "Anonymous #2" had done the same. 

However, I would like to say to this commenter (and everyone else reading) that I have never denied having an eating disorder in college.  I had major control issues, and what I was doing was not healthy.  And I did get help.  Therapy got me my sanity back, and I give a ton of credit to the counselor who got me through so much at UMich.  And now, for the first time in a long time, I'm not counting calories and I'm not freaking out over every minute of cardio I miss or about every morsel of food that goes into my mouth.  The point of this post was to say that I am finally sane, but I know I still need to be careful because recovery doesn't happen overnight.  I am not blaming anyone at work for any residual issues I have, just stating that I need to watch myself in that kind of environment so that I can take preventative measures to keep myself from going back to that darker place.  In the same way that someone might load up on vitamin C to keep from catching a cold that's going around, I am forcing myself to notice what everyone is doing so that I don't lose what I've fought so hard to get back -- my health and my sanity.  I'm not saying I don't still have a ways to go, but please belive that I am healthier and I am not 'projecting my demons' onto the amazing people with whom I work.     

To everyone else who left comments, thank you!  Your support and the fact that you read means the world to me!  And you know what, thank you to Anon #2 as well, because it's important to address these things, and you gave me the opportunity to do so.

Hope everyone is having a fab weekend!  What you think of the links posted?  How do you feel about cravings and trying to control our appetites?  And for all of you bloggers or writers out there, how do you address the less-than-positive comments?  Do you address them at all?         

Are Eating Disorders Contagious?

Lately at work, everyone has been sick! We all have colds right now, and it probably doesn’t help that we all hang out with each other for 14 hours at a time on very little sleep at a super germy gym. We’re totally passing it back and forth to one another.

At the same time, a lot of us here are working towards certain fitness goals and training for sports or competitions, especially with summer coming up. Being trainers, we’re all pretty committed to it, but I’m starting to get a little hyperaware of what I’m doing, how much I’m training, and what I’m eating. While I like the discipline I’m getting back, I’m also getting a little nervous about how much I’m starting to think about my training and my diet. Because the guys are constantly talking about their food and calories and how much weight they need to cut and how if they don’t puke they aren’t working out hard enough, I’ve caught myself thinking about these same things. A lot.

The thing is, I really don’t want to. Yes, I want to be healthy and make conscious choices about my food and workouts, but I don’t want it to escalate to obsession. Because I’ve been there before, and I have no desire to let being a certain weight or size completely run my life again. In college, I was so focused on keeping my weight down (at a weight that was far too low for me, in fact), that I planned out every little thing I put in my mouth (planning isn’t bad, but the level to which I did it was ridiculous), and I ended up putting so much stress on my body with exercise that my period stopped.

So I think you can understand why getting anywhere near that territory again scares me. Before, I was influenced by other people too. All of my friends being fixated on their weight and food put in my head that I should be too. I sort of ‘caught’ disordered eating habits from the women around me (and maybe society as a whole, but that’s another post). Here it’s a bunch of guys with “athletic goals,” so no one says they have eating disorders. They admire each others’ commitment, even though sometimes it clearly is disordered behavior.

Before, when I lived with all girls in the dorms and in the sorority house, it was actually a similar situation. We talked about food and calories allll the time, and girls were always giving each other tips or asking questions on how to cut calories and fill up on the smallest amount. The girls that could eat the least seemed to have a whole lot of self control and received praise, but I think we all knew it wasn’t healthy. I happened to be one of those girls for most of college. I ate “super healthy” all the time – which actually meant that I stayed away from sweets, loaded up on veggies to stay full, and ate the least amount of calories possible while running every day. But there was also a backlash from that, with my house mom telling me I looked a little too skinny and someone starting a rumor that I didn't eat dinner at the house some nights because I didn't want people knowing how little I actually ate (for the record, I had to work during the little half hour window they gave us for dinner at the house.)  Anyway, at one point I was living on 700-1000 calories a day (unless I drank, then it was just a little more – that’s what we call “drunkorexia,” folks), running 6-7 miles daily, and lifting a few times a week. I’m shocked I never passed out, honestly. Anyway, I convinced myself that I was just really disciplined, when in fact, I was really obsessed and had major control issues.

I do want to keep up this discipline and renewed commitment to feeling like an athlete again, but I don’t want to drive myself crazy with it as I did in the past. I already caught a cold from the guys I work with, but I’d like to avoid catching anything more serious.

What do you all think? Can you ‘catch’ an eating disorder or disordered eating from someone else? Or do you think some people are actually predisposed to EDs? Do other people influence your food and exercise choices? I really want to know how you feel about this topic, so spill!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Soooo let’s talk about good old, February 14th, shall we? Some years I’ve hated it, others I’ve loved it, and somewhat more recently, I’ve just pretended it wasn’t happening. But this year, I think Valentine’s Day and I will be able to peacefully coexist. It’s not like I’m dating anyone, and my mom is most definitely still my Valentine, so I don’t know what has changed, but I just don’t loathe it the way I have in years past. Maybe I really, truly, finally am understanding the whole “you’ve got to love yourself before anyone else can” thing. And for real, I’m starting to love who I am and the decisions I’m making. I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin, and I’m not looking for approval (at least as much as I used to) from every single person in my life. I’m treating myself better, I’m more confident in making goals and plans for achieving them, and I’m really happy with the people I’m surrounding myself with. Maybe I don’t have a boyfriend or a Valentine per se, I do have a whole lot of people in my life that I love to death.

So let’s make today all about loving everyone around us, and most importantly, ourselves! Name something you love about you and show the people in your life how much you care about them. As for me, I love that I am able to embrace awkwardness in life and that I’ve learned how to be direct when I communicate with people when dealing with whatever issues may arise. I also love how strong I am getting physically and how confident I am becoming in my abilities. Physically, I like my eyes and the fact that this white girl has little bit of a booty. As for the people in my life that I adore so much, I love that they support me and help me believe that I can do anything, even when my faith in myself wavers. And I love that they are all unique and bring so many amazing things to the table. My family, my roommates, my friends, my coworkers – a post on all of their fabulous traits would take allll day.

What are you doing for Vday? Do you have a special someone to celebrate with? Or are you celebrating a lot of special someones in your life, including you? And continuing with the self-love theme, include something you love about YOU in your comment!

100-Calorie Scams

Even toothpastefordinner.com knows: Just because it's low-cal doesn't mean it's good for you!

I recently saw an ad featuring Venus and Serena Williams for Nabisco’s 100-Calorie Packs on Glamour.com. Now, I truly love Glamour for its mainly positive message to women, and I think the Williams sisters are pretty badass for their complete domination of tennis, but I have a major problem with the magazine and the sisters promoting a nutritionally void snack that uses “Diet Like a Diva” as its slogan.

First of all, Glamour has been running all sorts of articles about what eating disorders will do to your body and how eating wholesome foods is the way to go when it comes to losing weight or just staying healthy. They’ve also got the Body by Glamour plan, which, again, promotes eating healthy foods with redeeming nutritional qualities. It’s not supposed to be a ‘diet,’ but a plan with plenty of smart takeaways that will help you make permanent lifestyle changes. So it’s understandable that I take issue with the mag for pimping packaged products with the lowest amount of calories possible, right?

Additionally, the fact that the Williams sisters are the faces of this campaign really irks me. I honestly do not think that these athletes are munching on 100-calorie packs all day to keep themselves in shape. To compete like they do, I’m pretty sure they’re eating a wholesome diet full of lean protein, whole grains, and lots of produce. Sure, maybe they’ve tested the products they’re pretending to eat in the ads, but really? Do you believe that the million-time Wimbledon champs are refueling with Wheat Thins substitutes?

To be honest, I’m rarely one of those “everything in moderation” people (still working on it), and in my calorie-obsessed college days I will admit that I totally fell for this idea, but I simply can’t justify it anymore. I do understand that everyone needs a treat sometimes, but why not promote the idea that we can indulge just a little bit every now and then with something a little closer to the real thing? Personally, a little baggie of imitation cocoa-flavored wafers does not nix my chocolate craving. But you know what does? Actual chocolate (the darker the better in my case). And if I have a small enough piece, it’s going to be about 100 calories (give or take) as well, so why would I waste calories and money on little baggies (not so eco-friendly either there, Nabisco) of satisfaction-free chemically-laden ‘food’?

Anyway, I want to know what YOU have to say about this. Have you seen these ads? What do you think of them? How do you feel about Venus and Serena as well as Glamour promoting the products? What do you think of the 100-cal marketing scheme in general?

Thursday Tip: Love the One You’re With

And by that I mean the one you’re with allll the time – YOU!

Trying to lose weight or tone up or just improve something about yourself in general? Then start liking where – and who – you are now! Instead of talking about how much you need to firm up your less-than-rock-hard abs or how you’ll be happy when you just lose those next five pounds, enjoy the progress you’re making right now. In other words, work with what ya got!

Now I’m not saying, ‘Hey, go ahead and be completely content with everything about yourself and never change,” because change is healthy, and we should all try to evolve in some way within our lifetimes. Honestly, I’d be worried if you had no desire to change anything. What I am saying is that you’re not even going to try to change if you hate everything about yourself. I’ve found that the times when I’ve made the most forward progress with my goals are the times when I’ve accepted – and even embraced – who I was right at that very moment. Use what you like as a base and go from there.

My favorite metaphor for this is so anti-feminist (since most of my readers are women) that I probably shouldn’t say, but whatevs, it works: Think of yourself like a car. (I know. Comparing the female body to a piece of machinery. Right.) If you think of yourself as a total junker that should just be scrapped for spare parts, then, well, you’ll probably treat yourself that way. Feed it junk food, let it sit around without moving it, let it rust, never try to increase its worth in any way. Yeah, that sounds like a fabulous plan for getting yourself where you want to be.

However, if you visualize yourself as a classic cruiser that just needs a few adjustments, then what do you think you’ll do? You'll make those adjustments! Not only that, but you’ll see the potential in yourself from the beginning. So you have a dented bumper or you’re kind of a slow runner.  Why not focus on those great headlights (yeah, I just took away my own feminist card) or the fact that you can outswim everyone you know? Maybe your gas mileage isn’t so great or you want to lose those muffin tops. So focus on the fact that your brakes work perfectly and that you have killer arms.

I’m going to stop with the car references because the above is pretty much the extent of my auto knowledge, but the message here should be obvious by now: Focus on the positive, and the rest will follow. Treat yourself well – even if you aren’t exactly who or what you want to be right now – and your mind and body will respond in turn. You can’t improve yourself until you love yourself.

What do you think? Can you improve yourself if you don’t care about yourself? Do you make the most progress when you find things you really like about you? If you like yourself more, do you treat yourself better so that you can keep advancing your goals? Do you beg to differ with everything I’ve said and think I’m totally full of it? Let me know!

I like to think of myself like this classic '57 T-Bird rather than a hoop-D with bad shocks.

New Month, New Goals: February

New month, new goals! As I mentioned last month, I decided not to make any New Year’s resolutions, but I did take a page from my friend Rachel’s book and came up with goals for January alone. I want to carry this on throughout the year to see what I can accomplish when I break my big goals down into smaller, more doable steps.

So here are my new goals for February to help me make 2010 my healthiest, happiest year yet!

1. 
   
   Get more sleep: OK, repeat goal. While this one wasn’t a complete and utter fail last month, I did not get my seven hours at least five nights per week. I got close with six many nights, but still. I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to. So this month, I’m going to make sleep even more of a priority. But I’m going to lower the bar a teeny bit. I’m going to aim for seven hours at least four nights a week this month. (Give me your tips for getting to bed earlier! I’ll take all the help I can get!)
2. 
   
   Incorporate new types of cardio into my routine: Since I started thinking about doing the Chicago Triathlon, I’ve been considering how I can take my workouts up a notch. The other day I made a fun cardio circuit for myself that involved a lot of spinning with some stair and lap running mixed in there . And I have to say, I kind of loved it! So I want to take at least two spinning classes this month, since I’ve tried it before but never really given it a chance. If I want to prep for the Tri (goal for March is to actually SIGN UP), I need to start now – but indoors because there is no way in HELL I’m biking along the lake with a -10 windchill.
3. 
   
   Focus on the positive: I’ve always considered myself a pretty upbeat person, but I have also always had a problem with getting into my own head too much and overanalyzing everything (no, really, everything), and then dwelling on the negatives of a given experience. So this month, at least a three times a week, I want to write down the positive things that happen to me during the day. I was going through old texts today, and I came across some I had saved because they were from the really uplifting people in my life. My parents telling me how proud they are of me, an inspiring friend reminding me that I’m capable of anything, my boss encouraging me and letting me know I’m doing “one hell of a job.” I saved those for a reason – because I wanted to remind myself to focus on the positive – so I need to do that everyday! 
4. 
   
   Read more than just the back three pages of the Red Eye newspaper: Because scanning the celebrity gossip and doing the crossword puzzle isn’t really helping me become a more well-rounded person.

What about you?  Got any new goals for this month?  How did your January goals go?  And if you did make New Year's resolutions, are you still going strong?  I want to know!

Pay Attention! (To Your Body, That Is)

Not entirely relevant, but toothpastefordinner.com kills me every time.

So I’ve had a few requests to address emotional eating, but it’s a pretty big (and sometimes loaded) topic, so I want to give it a little more thought before I talk about it. In the meantime, here’s a tip to help you work on eating mindfully.

I recently received an email from first30days.com (really cool site, btw!) with a genius way to make you a little more conscious about your food choices. It seems so obvious, but they way they put it just made the light bulb go off above my head. Instead of thinking of how good something is going to taste or feel right now, think about how you’ll feel and how it will affect you in three hours. When they put it like that, all I could think was, ‘Um, duh.’ A huge meal always makes me feel comatose after 3 hours. And too much sugar never fails to give me a headache and make me nauseous long after the taste is gone.

When I read the email I realized I had been doing just that lately. For a while there I was not tuning in so well to my body and was rushing around grabbing whatever – and some of it wasn’t the most nutritious stuff out there. It wasn’t really messing with my weight or anything, but it certainly didn’t make me feel good. So lately I’ve been thinking about how the things I’m putting into my body will affect my entire body – not only three hours from now, but three days, and even three months from now. Will a heavier meal later at night mess with my sleep or leave me waking up uncomfortable the next morning? If I’m starving when I get home after a 14-hour workday, should I grab whatever or actually take a breath and plate a balanced meal with lots of veggies? Will whole foods most likely satisfy me more and give me more energy in the long run than processed bars and shakes?

Stopping to think for a minute about how I’ll react to what I’m eating has really boosted my energy and my mood – this week especially. I’ve felt more productive, getting up early hasn’t been as much of a struggle, and I’ve had six (yeah, SIX!) pretty kickass workouts this week alone! Even waking up at 7am this morning (I don’t DO early Saturdays) was pretty easy! And I definitely won’t complain about feeling better in my clothes.

I want to know what YOU think of this idea. Are you generally good at eating mindfully? Do you have to work at it? Have you been working on it? How does it make you feel when you make conscious choices regarding your food? And for all of you pros out there, got any tips for those making an effort to eat mindfully?

Thursday Thoughts

Can I just take a quick second to mention how much this cover pisses me off? First of all, I am a huge Jen Aniston fan, and I feel like she has been painted as this lonely, crazy, desperate woman ever since she and Brad Pitt split. And even though People is apparently trying to make her look good with this article, it only feeds into this whole Brad, Angelina, Jen triangle gossip. And it makes Jen look pathetic, plain and simple.


And just a few things about the cover’s tag line: “Five Years After Brad”

a) Why are we commemorating this? Was Brad a natural disaster? A national tragedy? Any important moment in history at all? Not in my book. Yes, they were Hollywood’s ‘It’ couple, and no, I really do not like Angelina, but really? It was a divorce caused by an affair. It happens. It’s sad, of course, but it does happen. To regular people every single day. I realize they’re in the spotlight, but come ON. It’s time to get over it. In fact, it was time to get over it about four years ago.

b) Why isn’t it, “Five Years After Jen?” Because Brad seems to have it all together with his family? Because he left her? So what? Her career has been doing pretty well, and it’s not like she’s been sitting at home every day and night. She’s shown out and about with different people all the time, so I think she might be doing OK. Having that one person in her life doesn’t make her unfulfilled, and I really wish the media would stop suggesting that. Also, have you SEEN Brad Pitt lately? He’s looking slightly homeless, and apparently “sources close to” him are saying that his odor is getting slightly offensive. Soo, I think she’s got it together enough to shower at the very least.

c) I love how tabloids (whatevs, People, you are SO a tabloid) make it seem like every time a woman steps out looking better than before that it’s a breakup revenge. What if she just wants to feel good about herself? There’s a novel idea.

I realize that had nothing to do with health or fitness or any sort of tuning into your body, but it just had to be said. And you know what? Maybe she looks so fabulous these days because she stopped being so concerned with listening to all the static from other people, and just started turning the dial to Jen FM. How about we put THAT on the cover?

New Year's Resolutions: A Do or a Don’t?

Is time really passing? Dick Clark's face makes me wonder.

Yep, another New Years piece. Probably the 50th or maybe 500th you’ve read in the past week, but hey, I’ve always liked a theme.

First of all, I’ve always loved NYE, but I think it’s gotten too hyped up, and when there’s so much pressure on something to be great, it can really suck when it disappoints. Take last year for example: A group of friends and I decided to get tickets to the party at the Drake hotel (which cost $150 more than I wanted it to, by the way). Anyway, I had it in my head that it was going to be this elegant affair, and I was just SO excited. Well guess what? It was all drunk 25ish-year-olds stumbling around in their finest, and it was so not what I had imagined. I had four drinks over the course of about five hours, and I hardly remembered midnight because they were that strong. What I do recall pretty clearly is what a letdown it was and how I, for no apparent reason, ended the night upset and crying and being THAT girl. This year, my roommate and I are going to a keg party wearing jeans. I have no expectations, and that’s the way I like it.

So, similarly, I’m pretty torn on how I feel about New Years’ resolutions. Best thing ever? Or total bummer at midnight of next New Years? On the one hand, I like goals, and it’s really just another type of goal. But on the other hand, it’s kind of forcing you to change at a certain time just because everyone else is, not necessarily when you’re ready. And this makes resolutions hard for people to stick to it, because you can’t change until you really want to.

I know that I made a lot of resolutions last year that I didn’t completely keep. All these things about getting healthier and happier and whatever else, and honestly, I feel I was a bit too ambitious. I had like 10 goals for 2009! And I didn’t break them down into doable steps – they were kind of vague and, well, they sounded a little grand. This year, I’m taking an idea my friend Rachel has been using for a while now, and I’m making smaller goals each month that I will carry on throughout the year. They’ll tie into the objective of making 2010 my healthiest and happiest year yet, but they will be specific and attainable.

So, since I’m not making a New Years’ resolution per se, I’ll give you my January goals:

1) Get more sleep. I am TERRIBLE at this. I sleep on weekends and that’s pretty much it. I know how crucial sleep is to every other aspect of my health, so I have to make it a priority. I am going to get seven hours of sleep at least 5 nights per week. No exceptions.
2) Sit somewhere different on the bus. Yeah, I’m completely serious on this one. I feel like sometimes you just need to change your point of view, and I’m starting with my seat on public transit.
3) Strength train twice per week. Fitness is my job, and I haven’t been perfect with the resistance/strength aspect of my workouts in the past two months. Gotta practice what I preach!
4) Write and post at least once per week. Because I have been a slacker.

What about everyone else? Are you making resolutions? How do you feel about them? And what’s everyone doing tonight!?

Just Say No

Ralphie should have just said no.

Ah, the holidays. The most wonderful time of the year, no? Well, in recent years with our winter festivities running on steroids and taking up every waking second, for some the answer to that question might really be a big fat NO. From Thanksgiving to January 1st, there’s plenty of time to go crazy with everything we try to do. I personally love the holidays, but even I can’t help feeling as though I’m being stretched a little thin around this time of year.

I’ve found that the only solution to this problem is something I’m sure you’ve heard over and over again: Learn how to say ‘no.’ Just one word, two little letters, but for some reason, it’s really, really hard for a lot of us – especially women – to say it, even when we truly want to. This idea should be put into practice all year round honestly, but we’ll take baby steps and start with the holidays. So here’s an idea: stop considering every other person on the planet’s feelings and start considering what you actually need to do to keep your sanity this winter.

If you’ve been invited to your eighth cookie-decorating party of the season hosted by your third cousin once removed, and you just totally need to go running instead or you’ll strangle the first kid who reaches across you for the vanilla frosting, then say no. If you’re asked to partake in yet another Secret Santa or Dirty Christmas exchange, and you are totally tapped out and buying even a tiny gift will make you and your wallet scream, just say no. If your coworkers ask you to go out for holiday happy hour (again), and you haven’t even been able to enjoy your Christmas tree or just sit and enjoy a cup of hot cocoa at home yet, then say no. No matter what anyone says, taking time out for you during the holidays is not selfish. It’s essential.

So here’s the challenge: In what’s left of your holiday season (hey, we all have New Year’s coming up), just say no to one thing you actually don’t want to do. Maybe you do want to hit up that cookie party – go ahead and bring your award-winning sugar cookies. But if you feel like you’d rather spend booze calories and bar time on a mug full of chocolate and marshmallows while taking in the A Christmas Story marathon (leg lamps, frozen tongues, and Red Ryder air rifles for 24 hours straight on TBS starting tomorrow!), then tell the office pals you’ll see them on Monday. The world will not stop turning if you miss one holiday gathering this year. I promise. So go, enjoy the holiday season, and report back on how good it felt to say no!

So I realized I never really went into how I turned my entire career upside down and went into personal training. I don't even really know if I mentioned I was going to do it (might have mentioned it here). I just stopped posting and then I came back and was like, "Blah, blah, quit my job, yadda yadda, and at the gym... ." So here's the story...

I had been working with a trainer at my gym downtown, and I kept complaining about how tired I always was and how much I hated my job (my soul felt it was being sucked out by the industrial strength vacuums my company sold). Slowly that turned into me asking my trainer about his certifications and how everyone at the gym had gotten into training. Finally, he just said, "Why don't you just get certified?" and it just all became so clear. He suggested that I go through ISSA, which turned out to be genius, because it's accredited by the US Department of Education, meaning that my nice office job would pay for it since it counted as continuing education!

Anyway, I planned to get certified, save up a little more money, and then transition into the new job. Well, only problem was that I hated my job SO much that it was affecting the rest of my life. I was so apathetic that I had no motivation to do anything. Except study, that is. Because I knew that the sooner I could get certified, the sooner I could get OUT of a job I knew in my heart was all wrong for me. So I studied nonstop for two months -- on the train, after work, all weekend long. I was just finishing the program when I decided that the day had come to put in my two-weeks notice. So I did, and on my last day of work, I found out I had passed my exam and had become a certified personal trainer. Whew.

Then I took a month off to just enjoy a Chicago summer. I read, I wrote, I tanned (yeah, yeah, I KNOW), I slept. I loved it, but I was ready to get back to work because I was getting restless (my Dad has told me before that he always thought I had ADHD), and, oh right, I was running out of moo-lah. So I decided I needed to start applying to gyms, but I already knew where I wanted to work. I interviewed at a few places, but I had always intended to work at the gym where I had originally trained as a client. I walked in and asked for the fitness director, and as soon as he saw me, he said, "Well, look who it is!" He had me fill out and application and set up a practical interview on the spot. I knew I was going to like this job!

Fast forward to two months later, and I'm slowly building up a client base and loving this job so much more than anything I've ever done. The days are long, and right now the pay is crappy, but I have so much more energy, and I'm so much more positive than I've been in quite some time. It was a change to go from working in a sedate office environment with mostly females to a loud gym with almost all dudes who say plenty of things that the feminist in me says I should be reporting to HR. (Kidding. Sort of.) But I really love everything about it. Work doesn't always feel like work, and exercising and talking to people are part of my job description. And I adore my coworkers, because in this job, it's not weird to be friends with the people you see most of the day. OH, and did I mention I get to wear sweats and spandex and running shoes all day? Plus, believe it or not, I actually feel like I'm using my degree more than I did before. I've always wanted to use my English and Women's Studies majors to do something with women's health/fitness, focusing especially on body image. This job is like the perfect case study for that! And I get to help people get healthy and feel better about themselves. And liking my job this much has motivated me even more to work on the other half of my dream -- writing. So, as I mentioned before, everything in my life might not be perfect right now, but I feel like I'm finally on the right track.

Big or small, what's something you've changed in your life lately?

Bad Reception

So... confession. Lately I haven't been perfectly tuned in to what my body needs or how I'm feeling. I've been so busy and so tired that I've been less than diligent about my health. My workouts have not been completely consistent and my eating hasn't been anywhere near what it should be. I know that keeping up a routine always improves the way I feel, but I've been slipping lately. My food hasn't been completely whole and healthy (packing enough healthy food for a 14-hour day at the gym is hard!), and I'm working on a teeny budget. And I haven't been doing what I need to do to keep my sanity. I haven't been writing and reading as much, so I've felt a little less creative (and a little dumber! I won't lie). Plus, my knees have been killing me for some reason, so the running mileage has decreased and the lower body strength training has been almost null. On a positive note, I have taken up swimming again in lieu of pounding the pavement (or the treadmill), and it's been a really good change of pace.

Anyway, I guess it's time to refresh and find the right station again so I can keep tuning into my health. I need to set a good example as a trainer, and most importantly, I just need to feel good!

MIA

Oops, month-long hiatus....

I've been busy, but I'll get back to it soon! Let's just say some big changes are under way. I recently cut the cord at work, so in less than two weeks I will be dunzo with corporate America. I'm going to do the writing thing full-time (a book?!), and in about a month (after I practice on myself and kick my butt into awesome shape) I'm going to apply to a bunch of gyms in the area as a personal trainer! I am so pumped it's not even funny. And things seem to really be falling into place for me....more details on that later.

On the health front, I found out why I am exhausted ALL THE TIME. Apparently I have crazy-low iron levels, so that means I started taking a supplement right away. Hopefully I'll see results soon, but until then, Mom (she's a nurse practitioner at a preventative medicine office) tells me I shouldn't be doing crazy intense workouts or anything, and she's surprised I haven't passed out. Wow. OK. Time to take my health even more seriously! If other things weren't motivation enough, this is kind of a big deal. I need to fix it before it turns into full-blown anemia. This means I'm going to try to even incorporate a little -- gulp -- red meat into my diet.

As far as fitness goes, I've been working on doing more resistance training (nothing crazy, obvi; see above), and making sure that hitting the weight room at least three times per week is the norm. I think I lost some muscle mass after moving here because I focused mostly on cardio. Losing the muscle mass probably is making it harder to lose, so I've gotta work on that. Well, now I'm doing a bit of both, and making gym time a priority. I know that I cannot sacrifice my health for financial reasons. For a while I was taking on extra freelance work (after looong days spent commuting and working), but the extra money did me no good, as it was costing me my health. Plus I was probably buying crap and processed shit that cost more anyway because I was always so tired. Anyway. I cannot wait until I have a few weeks off to focus on (not obsess over) my health and my writing after I leave my desk job.

Sigh. OK. I'm feeling good about life, and that was my explanation for dropping off the face of the blogging planet. Once I have a little more time, you can bet this baby will becoming more of a priority! I love health and fitness, and I love writing, so perfect combo right here. Until then though (9 working days!), posts will be sporadic so that I can focus on really tuning into what this girl's body really needs!

Together Again

So listen guys, Running and I may have gotten back together. I know, I know. It was a short break. But I thought about it a lot. And we are going to take things slow this time. Not dive into it like last time and tell ourselves that 6 to 8 miles at a fast clip every single day is good for us.

Running and I have talked about it, and we're going to keep things casual for a while. I think I'm still going to do other activities, and we'll just spend a little time together every week. It will be kind of like when you break up with your boyfriend but miss him terribly because you know you can be so good together, so you decide that you guys will still talk sometimes and just meet up for coffee and maybe dinner, until you have it all figured out. Keep it friendly and without commitment, you know? (I need to stop comparing running to boyfriends and actually start dating, I think, because this is getting ridiculous.)

But instead of coffee (which I miss terribly right now because I am trying to give it up for a whole week!), we are doing short jogs a few times per week. Wednesday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, and today I did 23. This weekend, if I'm really feeling it, I might take Running out for a spin by the lake. But an easy spin. I'm running when I feel like it and not forcing myself to do it when my shins are screaming or I'm drained after a long day at work. Because I believe that with Running, as with any other good relationship, my heart should actually be in it.

The Voice Within

So, why am I on this sudden crusade to force myself (and hopefully convince other women) to listen to my (their) own body? Why am I all of a sudden realizing that I have been ignoring that voice for oh...the last 5 years? A culmination of things really.

First of all, my mom, the perpetual health nut and amazing nurse practitioner, has been on an even healthier kick since she started working at a new preventative medicine office. The doctors there are all about all-natural this and no-artificial that. Which I thought was cool from the get go, but never really gave it a second thought. However, mommy dearest has also been doing research and conducting presentations for the last few years on hormone therapy. While most of what she does is for menopausal women, she is well-versed in the study of other hormones and the effects they have on our bodies, too. She has worked with countless women who had no idea what was wrong other than the fact that they didn't feel 'right.' She has helped to correct imbalances and I admire her for her tireless dedication to improving the lives of others.

Personally, I've always had issues with my hormones, and recently I've decided that I really need to fix that. First of all, I was a very late bloomer, not hitting puberty until I was about 16. Some might think, 'oh cool, so you got to eat crap until you were 16 and not worry about it because your metabolism was probably that of a 12-year-old boy.' Well, yes and no. I was able to eat junk because I was essentially a prepubescent boy and also because I was crazy active, never doing less than two sports at a time. That was great -- until I hit DID hit puberty and didn't know how to handle the fact that my body didn't work the same way anymore. We had always been healthy eaters in my house, but I hadn't had to worry about portion control because I ate when I was hungry and stopped when full. Ah yes, intuitive eating, sound familiar? Well, senior year of high school, I merely filled out and finally looked sort of like a woman, so I wasn't too worried. But in college, I gained another 10 and decided that enough was enough and that I just wanted to feel good in my jeans again. So I did Weight Watchers online, which was great! I totally credit it with my successful loss and my learning that a serving of pasta was 1 cup and not the entire plate I had eaten to carbo-load for the state swim meets.

OK, so what's the problem with that? If that had been the end of my story, there would be no problem, but ... that's not the end. In fact, just now, there is no end. I suppose a little more background might be helpful here. After losing the weight and coming home very skinny after freshman year of college, I wanted to maintain that. After all, everyone else had gained the freshman 15 and I seemed to have lost it -- and then some. I did fine that summer, losing even a few more pounds (when I actually shouldn't have), and when I came back sophomore year, I came back ready to love college and make that year mine. It was at this point that I really stopped ignoring the signals my body was giving me.

I've always been an overachiever, and starting that year of college, I'm sure that peaked. Not only did I want to excel in school and in my activities, but I began focusing a little too much on food and exercise. To spare you the details, I didn't have a menstrual period for almost 3 years, at one point a few friends were concerned, and my cortisol levels were far too high. However, I ignored many of these signals -- that I was tired, that my body wasn't functioning normally, that some of my behaviors weren't the healthiest -- until senior year. I do credit some of my women's studies classes with helping me find a balance between unrealistic societal expectations and what I was actually capable of, but it was second semester senior year that really showed me how ragged I had run myself.

After finishing finals for my second-to-last semester of college, I had a breakdown of sorts and couldn't calm down, even when all of those stressors were removed. I called my sister sobbing hysterically, and when she asked what was wrong, I told her that I had just turned in my last paper and that I was done with the semester. She was worried after that, and the fact that she was concerned worried me. After talking to my mom, I went to our family physician at the time, and he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I thought he must be crazy at first because I had energy all the time and was almost always happy. I was social and successful and had everything going my way. But I also knew that I had been ignoring the fact that some days I felt terrible emotionally for no reason and that often, I wished I could sleep well into the afternoon. Still, it was a shock. But within three days of taking medication, my period came back and I haven't had a problem since. Clearly though, there had been a problem before. All I can think is that my cortisol levels were finally brought down and my body reacted quickly. While I didn't stay on the medication for very long (the fact that I was using artificial chemicals to fix imbalances in my brain freaked me OUT), and I know I still struggle with depression, I do credit those little pills with fixing at least one of my issues.

Fast forward to over two years later, and I'm still not completely sure how to listen to my body all of the time. Especially working full-time in an office setting, it's hard to listen to what you need sometimes. I have a deadline, so I can't be sick. I have to play office politics and be friendly, so I can't go off to lunch by myself today and write, even if it's what I really need to do. For the record, I am a very friendly person! But I think everyone can relate to needing a breather every now and then. I also think that women, more than anyone else, are expected to be social and talkative, and "on" all the time. On Friday, for example, I should have called sick because I felt sick to my stomach all morning. Instead though, I went in to work (an hour and a half commute) and tried to get some stuff done before admitting defeat and asking to go home. I should have listened to my body in the first place.

I do think I'm slowly getting better at it, but I think that is coming with practice and with understanding that what you need emotionally is also sometimes what you need physically. I plan on becoming a personal trainer because a) I know that this office job is not what I am meant to do and that it is not making me happy and b) I can feel physically that what I do is not good for my body and the way I personally work. Sitting at a desk all day (in the lower level with no sunlight) and hardly moving all day is not doing my body or my mind any favors. But because I (like many women), do not like giving up on things, it was hard to come to terms with the fact that working a 9to5 is not for me, even though it seems to suit all of my friends just fine. However, I do think that listening to my body, mind, and heart is going to get me a lot further -- in many respects.

How about you? Could you stand to listen to your body a bit more? Or are you pretty tuned in?