Link Love and In Response to Anonymous #2

I am so so sorry I've neglected the blog, but this week has been crazy!  This was the last week of the month, meaning I was working 13 to 15 hour days and didn't even have time to breathe, let alone blog.  Anyway, for now, I want to leave you with a few awesome links that really hit home with me this week.  If you aren't already following these bloggers, I suggest you check them out!

First up, Gena from Choosing Raw wrote an amazing essay on embracing our appetites... for everything.  As a feminist and a woman, I can totally relate to this.  For a major chunk of my life, I was so focused on being the 'good girl' or the 'skinny girl' that I ignored everything and anything I was craving.  This essay really brings to light the fact that many of us do this all the time.  

Next, my good friend Rachel from Shedding It & Getting It wrote a few awesome posts related to the same idea.  Her first one about going with her cravings and deciding not to justify to herself or anyone else what she wanted was so inspiring that I just had to smile.  She also wrote one a few days ago about "Your Unruly Appetite" that was inspired by Gena's post.  My favorite line? "Sometimes a girl needs to eat. And get laid. It’s biology, people — not a big f****** deal." (Man, my parents are going to love that one...Hi, Mom!).

Another blogger, Kristin from Cook, Bake, and Nibble, talked about her experiences with disordered eating and denying herself as well.  Since it was NEDAwareness week, she talked about her struggles with body image and food.  I love the honesty of all of these ladies this week!

And one last thing before I go, I really wanted to address a comment left on my last post 'Are Eating Disorders Contagious?'  The second anonymous comment had this to say: "It sounds like you have an eating disorder and have had it since college. That's what therapy is for. I don't know if you can begin to get healthy until you face your demons and not project them on to your surroundings. I hope you take the steps to get help." While I appreciate the honesty, and I think everyone has a right to state his or her opinion, I did want to discuss this one.  First of all, when I state my opinion in this way, I at least own up to it.  I wish "Anonymous #2" had done the same. 

However, I would like to say to this commenter (and everyone else reading) that I have never denied having an eating disorder in college.  I had major control issues, and what I was doing was not healthy.  And I did get help.  Therapy got me my sanity back, and I give a ton of credit to the counselor who got me through so much at UMich.  And now, for the first time in a long time, I'm not counting calories and I'm not freaking out over every minute of cardio I miss or about every morsel of food that goes into my mouth.  The point of this post was to say that I am finally sane, but I know I still need to be careful because recovery doesn't happen overnight.  I am not blaming anyone at work for any residual issues I have, just stating that I need to watch myself in that kind of environment so that I can take preventative measures to keep myself from going back to that darker place.  In the same way that someone might load up on vitamin C to keep from catching a cold that's going around, I am forcing myself to notice what everyone is doing so that I don't lose what I've fought so hard to get back -- my health and my sanity.  I'm not saying I don't still have a ways to go, but please belive that I am healthier and I am not 'projecting my demons' onto the amazing people with whom I work.     

To everyone else who left comments, thank you!  Your support and the fact that you read means the world to me!  And you know what, thank you to Anon #2 as well, because it's important to address these things, and you gave me the opportunity to do so.

Hope everyone is having a fab weekend!  What you think of the links posted?  How do you feel about cravings and trying to control our appetites?  And for all of you bloggers or writers out there, how do you address the less-than-positive comments?  Do you address them at all?         

Are Eating Disorders Contagious?

Lately at work, everyone has been sick! We all have colds right now, and it probably doesn’t help that we all hang out with each other for 14 hours at a time on very little sleep at a super germy gym. We’re totally passing it back and forth to one another.

At the same time, a lot of us here are working towards certain fitness goals and training for sports or competitions, especially with summer coming up. Being trainers, we’re all pretty committed to it, but I’m starting to get a little hyperaware of what I’m doing, how much I’m training, and what I’m eating. While I like the discipline I’m getting back, I’m also getting a little nervous about how much I’m starting to think about my training and my diet. Because the guys are constantly talking about their food and calories and how much weight they need to cut and how if they don’t puke they aren’t working out hard enough, I’ve caught myself thinking about these same things. A lot.

The thing is, I really don’t want to. Yes, I want to be healthy and make conscious choices about my food and workouts, but I don’t want it to escalate to obsession. Because I’ve been there before, and I have no desire to let being a certain weight or size completely run my life again. In college, I was so focused on keeping my weight down (at a weight that was far too low for me, in fact), that I planned out every little thing I put in my mouth (planning isn’t bad, but the level to which I did it was ridiculous), and I ended up putting so much stress on my body with exercise that my period stopped.

So I think you can understand why getting anywhere near that territory again scares me. Before, I was influenced by other people too. All of my friends being fixated on their weight and food put in my head that I should be too. I sort of ‘caught’ disordered eating habits from the women around me (and maybe society as a whole, but that’s another post). Here it’s a bunch of guys with “athletic goals,” so no one says they have eating disorders. They admire each others’ commitment, even though sometimes it clearly is disordered behavior.

Before, when I lived with all girls in the dorms and in the sorority house, it was actually a similar situation. We talked about food and calories allll the time, and girls were always giving each other tips or asking questions on how to cut calories and fill up on the smallest amount. The girls that could eat the least seemed to have a whole lot of self control and received praise, but I think we all knew it wasn’t healthy. I happened to be one of those girls for most of college. I ate “super healthy” all the time – which actually meant that I stayed away from sweets, loaded up on veggies to stay full, and ate the least amount of calories possible while running every day. But there was also a backlash from that, with my house mom telling me I looked a little too skinny and someone starting a rumor that I didn't eat dinner at the house some nights because I didn't want people knowing how little I actually ate (for the record, I had to work during the little half hour window they gave us for dinner at the house.)  Anyway, at one point I was living on 700-1000 calories a day (unless I drank, then it was just a little more – that’s what we call “drunkorexia,” folks), running 6-7 miles daily, and lifting a few times a week. I’m shocked I never passed out, honestly. Anyway, I convinced myself that I was just really disciplined, when in fact, I was really obsessed and had major control issues.

I do want to keep up this discipline and renewed commitment to feeling like an athlete again, but I don’t want to drive myself crazy with it as I did in the past. I already caught a cold from the guys I work with, but I’d like to avoid catching anything more serious.

What do you all think? Can you ‘catch’ an eating disorder or disordered eating from someone else? Or do you think some people are actually predisposed to EDs? Do other people influence your food and exercise choices? I really want to know how you feel about this topic, so spill!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Soooo let’s talk about good old, February 14th, shall we? Some years I’ve hated it, others I’ve loved it, and somewhat more recently, I’ve just pretended it wasn’t happening. But this year, I think Valentine’s Day and I will be able to peacefully coexist. It’s not like I’m dating anyone, and my mom is most definitely still my Valentine, so I don’t know what has changed, but I just don’t loathe it the way I have in years past. Maybe I really, truly, finally am understanding the whole “you’ve got to love yourself before anyone else can” thing. And for real, I’m starting to love who I am and the decisions I’m making. I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin, and I’m not looking for approval (at least as much as I used to) from every single person in my life. I’m treating myself better, I’m more confident in making goals and plans for achieving them, and I’m really happy with the people I’m surrounding myself with. Maybe I don’t have a boyfriend or a Valentine per se, I do have a whole lot of people in my life that I love to death.

So let’s make today all about loving everyone around us, and most importantly, ourselves! Name something you love about you and show the people in your life how much you care about them. As for me, I love that I am able to embrace awkwardness in life and that I’ve learned how to be direct when I communicate with people when dealing with whatever issues may arise. I also love how strong I am getting physically and how confident I am becoming in my abilities. Physically, I like my eyes and the fact that this white girl has little bit of a booty. As for the people in my life that I adore so much, I love that they support me and help me believe that I can do anything, even when my faith in myself wavers. And I love that they are all unique and bring so many amazing things to the table. My family, my roommates, my friends, my coworkers – a post on all of their fabulous traits would take allll day.

What are you doing for Vday? Do you have a special someone to celebrate with? Or are you celebrating a lot of special someones in your life, including you? And continuing with the self-love theme, include something you love about YOU in your comment!

Thursday Tip: Love the One You’re With

And by that I mean the one you’re with allll the time – YOU!

Trying to lose weight or tone up or just improve something about yourself in general? Then start liking where – and who – you are now! Instead of talking about how much you need to firm up your less-than-rock-hard abs or how you’ll be happy when you just lose those next five pounds, enjoy the progress you’re making right now. In other words, work with what ya got!

Now I’m not saying, ‘Hey, go ahead and be completely content with everything about yourself and never change,” because change is healthy, and we should all try to evolve in some way within our lifetimes. Honestly, I’d be worried if you had no desire to change anything. What I am saying is that you’re not even going to try to change if you hate everything about yourself. I’ve found that the times when I’ve made the most forward progress with my goals are the times when I’ve accepted – and even embraced – who I was right at that very moment. Use what you like as a base and go from there.

My favorite metaphor for this is so anti-feminist (since most of my readers are women) that I probably shouldn’t say, but whatevs, it works: Think of yourself like a car. (I know. Comparing the female body to a piece of machinery. Right.) If you think of yourself as a total junker that should just be scrapped for spare parts, then, well, you’ll probably treat yourself that way. Feed it junk food, let it sit around without moving it, let it rust, never try to increase its worth in any way. Yeah, that sounds like a fabulous plan for getting yourself where you want to be.

However, if you visualize yourself as a classic cruiser that just needs a few adjustments, then what do you think you’ll do? You'll make those adjustments! Not only that, but you’ll see the potential in yourself from the beginning. So you have a dented bumper or you’re kind of a slow runner.  Why not focus on those great headlights (yeah, I just took away my own feminist card) or the fact that you can outswim everyone you know? Maybe your gas mileage isn’t so great or you want to lose those muffin tops. So focus on the fact that your brakes work perfectly and that you have killer arms.

I’m going to stop with the car references because the above is pretty much the extent of my auto knowledge, but the message here should be obvious by now: Focus on the positive, and the rest will follow. Treat yourself well – even if you aren’t exactly who or what you want to be right now – and your mind and body will respond in turn. You can’t improve yourself until you love yourself.

What do you think? Can you improve yourself if you don’t care about yourself? Do you make the most progress when you find things you really like about you? If you like yourself more, do you treat yourself better so that you can keep advancing your goals? Do you beg to differ with everything I’ve said and think I’m totally full of it? Let me know!

I like to think of myself like this classic '57 T-Bird rather than a hoop-D with bad shocks.

Pay Attention! (To Your Body, That Is)

Not entirely relevant, but toothpastefordinner.com kills me every time.

So I’ve had a few requests to address emotional eating, but it’s a pretty big (and sometimes loaded) topic, so I want to give it a little more thought before I talk about it. In the meantime, here’s a tip to help you work on eating mindfully.

I recently received an email from first30days.com (really cool site, btw!) with a genius way to make you a little more conscious about your food choices. It seems so obvious, but they way they put it just made the light bulb go off above my head. Instead of thinking of how good something is going to taste or feel right now, think about how you’ll feel and how it will affect you in three hours. When they put it like that, all I could think was, ‘Um, duh.’ A huge meal always makes me feel comatose after 3 hours. And too much sugar never fails to give me a headache and make me nauseous long after the taste is gone.

When I read the email I realized I had been doing just that lately. For a while there I was not tuning in so well to my body and was rushing around grabbing whatever – and some of it wasn’t the most nutritious stuff out there. It wasn’t really messing with my weight or anything, but it certainly didn’t make me feel good. So lately I’ve been thinking about how the things I’m putting into my body will affect my entire body – not only three hours from now, but three days, and even three months from now. Will a heavier meal later at night mess with my sleep or leave me waking up uncomfortable the next morning? If I’m starving when I get home after a 14-hour workday, should I grab whatever or actually take a breath and plate a balanced meal with lots of veggies? Will whole foods most likely satisfy me more and give me more energy in the long run than processed bars and shakes?

Stopping to think for a minute about how I’ll react to what I’m eating has really boosted my energy and my mood – this week especially. I’ve felt more productive, getting up early hasn’t been as much of a struggle, and I’ve had six (yeah, SIX!) pretty kickass workouts this week alone! Even waking up at 7am this morning (I don’t DO early Saturdays) was pretty easy! And I definitely won’t complain about feeling better in my clothes.

I want to know what YOU think of this idea. Are you generally good at eating mindfully? Do you have to work at it? Have you been working on it? How does it make you feel when you make conscious choices regarding your food? And for all of you pros out there, got any tips for those making an effort to eat mindfully?

New Year's Resolutions: A Do or a Don’t?

Is time really passing? Dick Clark's face makes me wonder.

Yep, another New Years piece. Probably the 50th or maybe 500th you’ve read in the past week, but hey, I’ve always liked a theme.

First of all, I’ve always loved NYE, but I think it’s gotten too hyped up, and when there’s so much pressure on something to be great, it can really suck when it disappoints. Take last year for example: A group of friends and I decided to get tickets to the party at the Drake hotel (which cost $150 more than I wanted it to, by the way). Anyway, I had it in my head that it was going to be this elegant affair, and I was just SO excited. Well guess what? It was all drunk 25ish-year-olds stumbling around in their finest, and it was so not what I had imagined. I had four drinks over the course of about five hours, and I hardly remembered midnight because they were that strong. What I do recall pretty clearly is what a letdown it was and how I, for no apparent reason, ended the night upset and crying and being THAT girl. This year, my roommate and I are going to a keg party wearing jeans. I have no expectations, and that’s the way I like it.

So, similarly, I’m pretty torn on how I feel about New Years’ resolutions. Best thing ever? Or total bummer at midnight of next New Years? On the one hand, I like goals, and it’s really just another type of goal. But on the other hand, it’s kind of forcing you to change at a certain time just because everyone else is, not necessarily when you’re ready. And this makes resolutions hard for people to stick to it, because you can’t change until you really want to.

I know that I made a lot of resolutions last year that I didn’t completely keep. All these things about getting healthier and happier and whatever else, and honestly, I feel I was a bit too ambitious. I had like 10 goals for 2009! And I didn’t break them down into doable steps – they were kind of vague and, well, they sounded a little grand. This year, I’m taking an idea my friend Rachel has been using for a while now, and I’m making smaller goals each month that I will carry on throughout the year. They’ll tie into the objective of making 2010 my healthiest and happiest year yet, but they will be specific and attainable.

So, since I’m not making a New Years’ resolution per se, I’ll give you my January goals:

1) Get more sleep. I am TERRIBLE at this. I sleep on weekends and that’s pretty much it. I know how crucial sleep is to every other aspect of my health, so I have to make it a priority. I am going to get seven hours of sleep at least 5 nights per week. No exceptions.
2) Sit somewhere different on the bus. Yeah, I’m completely serious on this one. I feel like sometimes you just need to change your point of view, and I’m starting with my seat on public transit.
3) Strength train twice per week. Fitness is my job, and I haven’t been perfect with the resistance/strength aspect of my workouts in the past two months. Gotta practice what I preach!
4) Write and post at least once per week. Because I have been a slacker.

What about everyone else? Are you making resolutions? How do you feel about them? And what’s everyone doing tonight!?

Just Say No

Ralphie should have just said no.

Ah, the holidays. The most wonderful time of the year, no? Well, in recent years with our winter festivities running on steroids and taking up every waking second, for some the answer to that question might really be a big fat NO. From Thanksgiving to January 1st, there’s plenty of time to go crazy with everything we try to do. I personally love the holidays, but even I can’t help feeling as though I’m being stretched a little thin around this time of year.

I’ve found that the only solution to this problem is something I’m sure you’ve heard over and over again: Learn how to say ‘no.’ Just one word, two little letters, but for some reason, it’s really, really hard for a lot of us – especially women – to say it, even when we truly want to. This idea should be put into practice all year round honestly, but we’ll take baby steps and start with the holidays. So here’s an idea: stop considering every other person on the planet’s feelings and start considering what you actually need to do to keep your sanity this winter.

If you’ve been invited to your eighth cookie-decorating party of the season hosted by your third cousin once removed, and you just totally need to go running instead or you’ll strangle the first kid who reaches across you for the vanilla frosting, then say no. If you’re asked to partake in yet another Secret Santa or Dirty Christmas exchange, and you are totally tapped out and buying even a tiny gift will make you and your wallet scream, just say no. If your coworkers ask you to go out for holiday happy hour (again), and you haven’t even been able to enjoy your Christmas tree or just sit and enjoy a cup of hot cocoa at home yet, then say no. No matter what anyone says, taking time out for you during the holidays is not selfish. It’s essential.

So here’s the challenge: In what’s left of your holiday season (hey, we all have New Year’s coming up), just say no to one thing you actually don’t want to do. Maybe you do want to hit up that cookie party – go ahead and bring your award-winning sugar cookies. But if you feel like you’d rather spend booze calories and bar time on a mug full of chocolate and marshmallows while taking in the A Christmas Story marathon (leg lamps, frozen tongues, and Red Ryder air rifles for 24 hours straight on TBS starting tomorrow!), then tell the office pals you’ll see them on Monday. The world will not stop turning if you miss one holiday gathering this year. I promise. So go, enjoy the holiday season, and report back on how good it felt to say no!

So I realized I never really went into how I turned my entire career upside down and went into personal training. I don't even really know if I mentioned I was going to do it (might have mentioned it here). I just stopped posting and then I came back and was like, "Blah, blah, quit my job, yadda yadda, and at the gym... ." So here's the story...

I had been working with a trainer at my gym downtown, and I kept complaining about how tired I always was and how much I hated my job (my soul felt it was being sucked out by the industrial strength vacuums my company sold). Slowly that turned into me asking my trainer about his certifications and how everyone at the gym had gotten into training. Finally, he just said, "Why don't you just get certified?" and it just all became so clear. He suggested that I go through ISSA, which turned out to be genius, because it's accredited by the US Department of Education, meaning that my nice office job would pay for it since it counted as continuing education!

Anyway, I planned to get certified, save up a little more money, and then transition into the new job. Well, only problem was that I hated my job SO much that it was affecting the rest of my life. I was so apathetic that I had no motivation to do anything. Except study, that is. Because I knew that the sooner I could get certified, the sooner I could get OUT of a job I knew in my heart was all wrong for me. So I studied nonstop for two months -- on the train, after work, all weekend long. I was just finishing the program when I decided that the day had come to put in my two-weeks notice. So I did, and on my last day of work, I found out I had passed my exam and had become a certified personal trainer. Whew.

Then I took a month off to just enjoy a Chicago summer. I read, I wrote, I tanned (yeah, yeah, I KNOW), I slept. I loved it, but I was ready to get back to work because I was getting restless (my Dad has told me before that he always thought I had ADHD), and, oh right, I was running out of moo-lah. So I decided I needed to start applying to gyms, but I already knew where I wanted to work. I interviewed at a few places, but I had always intended to work at the gym where I had originally trained as a client. I walked in and asked for the fitness director, and as soon as he saw me, he said, "Well, look who it is!" He had me fill out and application and set up a practical interview on the spot. I knew I was going to like this job!

Fast forward to two months later, and I'm slowly building up a client base and loving this job so much more than anything I've ever done. The days are long, and right now the pay is crappy, but I have so much more energy, and I'm so much more positive than I've been in quite some time. It was a change to go from working in a sedate office environment with mostly females to a loud gym with almost all dudes who say plenty of things that the feminist in me says I should be reporting to HR. (Kidding. Sort of.) But I really love everything about it. Work doesn't always feel like work, and exercising and talking to people are part of my job description. And I adore my coworkers, because in this job, it's not weird to be friends with the people you see most of the day. OH, and did I mention I get to wear sweats and spandex and running shoes all day? Plus, believe it or not, I actually feel like I'm using my degree more than I did before. I've always wanted to use my English and Women's Studies majors to do something with women's health/fitness, focusing especially on body image. This job is like the perfect case study for that! And I get to help people get healthy and feel better about themselves. And liking my job this much has motivated me even more to work on the other half of my dream -- writing. So, as I mentioned before, everything in my life might not be perfect right now, but I feel like I'm finally on the right track.

Big or small, what's something you've changed in your life lately?

Bad Reception

So... confession. Lately I haven't been perfectly tuned in to what my body needs or how I'm feeling. I've been so busy and so tired that I've been less than diligent about my health. My workouts have not been completely consistent and my eating hasn't been anywhere near what it should be. I know that keeping up a routine always improves the way I feel, but I've been slipping lately. My food hasn't been completely whole and healthy (packing enough healthy food for a 14-hour day at the gym is hard!), and I'm working on a teeny budget. And I haven't been doing what I need to do to keep my sanity. I haven't been writing and reading as much, so I've felt a little less creative (and a little dumber! I won't lie). Plus, my knees have been killing me for some reason, so the running mileage has decreased and the lower body strength training has been almost null. On a positive note, I have taken up swimming again in lieu of pounding the pavement (or the treadmill), and it's been a really good change of pace.

Anyway, I guess it's time to refresh and find the right station again so I can keep tuning into my health. I need to set a good example as a trainer, and most importantly, I just need to feel good!

MIA

Oops, month-long hiatus....

I've been busy, but I'll get back to it soon! Let's just say some big changes are under way. I recently cut the cord at work, so in less than two weeks I will be dunzo with corporate America. I'm going to do the writing thing full-time (a book?!), and in about a month (after I practice on myself and kick my butt into awesome shape) I'm going to apply to a bunch of gyms in the area as a personal trainer! I am so pumped it's not even funny. And things seem to really be falling into place for me....more details on that later.

On the health front, I found out why I am exhausted ALL THE TIME. Apparently I have crazy-low iron levels, so that means I started taking a supplement right away. Hopefully I'll see results soon, but until then, Mom (she's a nurse practitioner at a preventative medicine office) tells me I shouldn't be doing crazy intense workouts or anything, and she's surprised I haven't passed out. Wow. OK. Time to take my health even more seriously! If other things weren't motivation enough, this is kind of a big deal. I need to fix it before it turns into full-blown anemia. This means I'm going to try to even incorporate a little -- gulp -- red meat into my diet.

As far as fitness goes, I've been working on doing more resistance training (nothing crazy, obvi; see above), and making sure that hitting the weight room at least three times per week is the norm. I think I lost some muscle mass after moving here because I focused mostly on cardio. Losing the muscle mass probably is making it harder to lose, so I've gotta work on that. Well, now I'm doing a bit of both, and making gym time a priority. I know that I cannot sacrifice my health for financial reasons. For a while I was taking on extra freelance work (after looong days spent commuting and working), but the extra money did me no good, as it was costing me my health. Plus I was probably buying crap and processed shit that cost more anyway because I was always so tired. Anyway. I cannot wait until I have a few weeks off to focus on (not obsess over) my health and my writing after I leave my desk job.

Sigh. OK. I'm feeling good about life, and that was my explanation for dropping off the face of the blogging planet. Once I have a little more time, you can bet this baby will becoming more of a priority! I love health and fitness, and I love writing, so perfect combo right here. Until then though (9 working days!), posts will be sporadic so that I can focus on really tuning into what this girl's body really needs!

Together Again

So listen guys, Running and I may have gotten back together. I know, I know. It was a short break. But I thought about it a lot. And we are going to take things slow this time. Not dive into it like last time and tell ourselves that 6 to 8 miles at a fast clip every single day is good for us.

Running and I have talked about it, and we're going to keep things casual for a while. I think I'm still going to do other activities, and we'll just spend a little time together every week. It will be kind of like when you break up with your boyfriend but miss him terribly because you know you can be so good together, so you decide that you guys will still talk sometimes and just meet up for coffee and maybe dinner, until you have it all figured out. Keep it friendly and without commitment, you know? (I need to stop comparing running to boyfriends and actually start dating, I think, because this is getting ridiculous.)

But instead of coffee (which I miss terribly right now because I am trying to give it up for a whole week!), we are doing short jogs a few times per week. Wednesday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, and today I did 23. This weekend, if I'm really feeling it, I might take Running out for a spin by the lake. But an easy spin. I'm running when I feel like it and not forcing myself to do it when my shins are screaming or I'm drained after a long day at work. Because I believe that with Running, as with any other good relationship, my heart should actually be in it.

A Runner's Low

Dear Running,

I don't know how to say this but... I think we need to take a break. I know what you're thinking, by 'break' I mean that it's over, right? No, no, no, please. Let me reassure you that this is not what I mean at all. Because I love you, I really do. Our history is a long and complicated one, but one with more happiness than sadness, and I am just not willing to give you up.

But we still need to take a break. You say you'll try harder because you want to make this work. I say we've been trying, and I'm getting more and more frustrated. You say you didn't realize how bad the problem was getting. And I say, how could you not? My runs have dwindled to maybe once a week, and I haven't had a good run outside since St. Patrick's Day. The thing is, we both saw this coming, and we were both just waiting for the other to say something. You, dragging my feet when I try to break into a trot. Me, resisting your allure when you call to me on beautiful spring days from the lakefront trail just two blocks from my apartment.

In fact, I have a confession to make. You've been so hard on me and my shins and my ego lately that, well, I've been driven into the arms of another. I know I've always been faithful to you, but I just needed some time away and the elliptical understood me! You know, I really don't like it much, and I don't really know how much it's doing for me, but it doesn't hurt me. Probably won't be too upset when I break things off and dash back to you, either. It's like that cute boy I had a thing with a few summers ago, who I didn't really have any interest in, but who didn't really give me any grief either. The elliptical may just sit there and look pretty and not contribute at ALL while I do my thing and mindlessly burn calories, but it doesn't cause me the pain that you have over the last few months.

And Running, sweetheart, the pain is not just physical. So my hormones went crazy and living through a winter in Chicago made my frame a little heavier. Is that any reason to slow my pace down by the amount that you did? Of course I can still run -- it's not like I'm carrying around an extra person or anything -- but did you have to make me feel like I had never been a runner ever before in my life? Did you have to take my 7:30 pace away from me, and hand me a 9-minute mile on a good day, even through months of work? You make me feel lazy and like there is something wrong with me. I know you don't mean to, but you hurt me psychologically and emotionally. Lately, I've caught you checking out other girls (and even guys!), and you've been sending signals that tell me you don't think I'm a 'runner' anymore.

So, again, we need to take a break. Like I said, I love you, but I think some time apart would do us both some good. You go wild on the bike path next to Lakeshore drive. Have a ball down by North Avenue Beach. And I will enjoy the company of my trusty ten speed (once the tires are blown back up) and of the pool and the weights at the gym. We'll go out and see other people (activities?), and we will eventually realize how much we miss one another. I'll still wear your shoes and think of you fondly, and you'll make someone else pick up their pace when a really great/horrible pop song comes on. You'll miss my dedication to you, and I'll miss how badass I feel after finishing a ten miler and how hot my legs look in a dress. Don't roll your eyes at me, you know my vanity is endearing.

Keep in touch, with all my heart, xoxo, etc, etc,

Heather