Link Love and In Response to Anonymous #2

I am so so sorry I've neglected the blog, but this week has been crazy!  This was the last week of the month, meaning I was working 13 to 15 hour days and didn't even have time to breathe, let alone blog.  Anyway, for now, I want to leave you with a few awesome links that really hit home with me this week.  If you aren't already following these bloggers, I suggest you check them out!

First up, Gena from Choosing Raw wrote an amazing essay on embracing our appetites... for everything.  As a feminist and a woman, I can totally relate to this.  For a major chunk of my life, I was so focused on being the 'good girl' or the 'skinny girl' that I ignored everything and anything I was craving.  This essay really brings to light the fact that many of us do this all the time.  

Next, my good friend Rachel from Shedding It & Getting It wrote a few awesome posts related to the same idea.  Her first one about going with her cravings and deciding not to justify to herself or anyone else what she wanted was so inspiring that I just had to smile.  She also wrote one a few days ago about "Your Unruly Appetite" that was inspired by Gena's post.  My favorite line? "Sometimes a girl needs to eat. And get laid. It’s biology, people — not a big f****** deal." (Man, my parents are going to love that one...Hi, Mom!).

Another blogger, Kristin from Cook, Bake, and Nibble, talked about her experiences with disordered eating and denying herself as well.  Since it was NEDAwareness week, she talked about her struggles with body image and food.  I love the honesty of all of these ladies this week!

And one last thing before I go, I really wanted to address a comment left on my last post 'Are Eating Disorders Contagious?'  The second anonymous comment had this to say: "It sounds like you have an eating disorder and have had it since college. That's what therapy is for. I don't know if you can begin to get healthy until you face your demons and not project them on to your surroundings. I hope you take the steps to get help." While I appreciate the honesty, and I think everyone has a right to state his or her opinion, I did want to discuss this one.  First of all, when I state my opinion in this way, I at least own up to it.  I wish "Anonymous #2" had done the same. 

However, I would like to say to this commenter (and everyone else reading) that I have never denied having an eating disorder in college.  I had major control issues, and what I was doing was not healthy.  And I did get help.  Therapy got me my sanity back, and I give a ton of credit to the counselor who got me through so much at UMich.  And now, for the first time in a long time, I'm not counting calories and I'm not freaking out over every minute of cardio I miss or about every morsel of food that goes into my mouth.  The point of this post was to say that I am finally sane, but I know I still need to be careful because recovery doesn't happen overnight.  I am not blaming anyone at work for any residual issues I have, just stating that I need to watch myself in that kind of environment so that I can take preventative measures to keep myself from going back to that darker place.  In the same way that someone might load up on vitamin C to keep from catching a cold that's going around, I am forcing myself to notice what everyone is doing so that I don't lose what I've fought so hard to get back -- my health and my sanity.  I'm not saying I don't still have a ways to go, but please belive that I am healthier and I am not 'projecting my demons' onto the amazing people with whom I work.     

To everyone else who left comments, thank you!  Your support and the fact that you read means the world to me!  And you know what, thank you to Anon #2 as well, because it's important to address these things, and you gave me the opportunity to do so.

Hope everyone is having a fab weekend!  What you think of the links posted?  How do you feel about cravings and trying to control our appetites?  And for all of you bloggers or writers out there, how do you address the less-than-positive comments?  Do you address them at all?         

Happy Valentine's Day!

Soooo let’s talk about good old, February 14th, shall we? Some years I’ve hated it, others I’ve loved it, and somewhat more recently, I’ve just pretended it wasn’t happening. But this year, I think Valentine’s Day and I will be able to peacefully coexist. It’s not like I’m dating anyone, and my mom is most definitely still my Valentine, so I don’t know what has changed, but I just don’t loathe it the way I have in years past. Maybe I really, truly, finally am understanding the whole “you’ve got to love yourself before anyone else can” thing. And for real, I’m starting to love who I am and the decisions I’m making. I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin, and I’m not looking for approval (at least as much as I used to) from every single person in my life. I’m treating myself better, I’m more confident in making goals and plans for achieving them, and I’m really happy with the people I’m surrounding myself with. Maybe I don’t have a boyfriend or a Valentine per se, I do have a whole lot of people in my life that I love to death.

So let’s make today all about loving everyone around us, and most importantly, ourselves! Name something you love about you and show the people in your life how much you care about them. As for me, I love that I am able to embrace awkwardness in life and that I’ve learned how to be direct when I communicate with people when dealing with whatever issues may arise. I also love how strong I am getting physically and how confident I am becoming in my abilities. Physically, I like my eyes and the fact that this white girl has little bit of a booty. As for the people in my life that I adore so much, I love that they support me and help me believe that I can do anything, even when my faith in myself wavers. And I love that they are all unique and bring so many amazing things to the table. My family, my roommates, my friends, my coworkers – a post on all of their fabulous traits would take allll day.

What are you doing for Vday? Do you have a special someone to celebrate with? Or are you celebrating a lot of special someones in your life, including you? And continuing with the self-love theme, include something you love about YOU in your comment!

Thursday Tip: Love the One You’re With

And by that I mean the one you’re with allll the time – YOU!

Trying to lose weight or tone up or just improve something about yourself in general? Then start liking where – and who – you are now! Instead of talking about how much you need to firm up your less-than-rock-hard abs or how you’ll be happy when you just lose those next five pounds, enjoy the progress you’re making right now. In other words, work with what ya got!

Now I’m not saying, ‘Hey, go ahead and be completely content with everything about yourself and never change,” because change is healthy, and we should all try to evolve in some way within our lifetimes. Honestly, I’d be worried if you had no desire to change anything. What I am saying is that you’re not even going to try to change if you hate everything about yourself. I’ve found that the times when I’ve made the most forward progress with my goals are the times when I’ve accepted – and even embraced – who I was right at that very moment. Use what you like as a base and go from there.

My favorite metaphor for this is so anti-feminist (since most of my readers are women) that I probably shouldn’t say, but whatevs, it works: Think of yourself like a car. (I know. Comparing the female body to a piece of machinery. Right.) If you think of yourself as a total junker that should just be scrapped for spare parts, then, well, you’ll probably treat yourself that way. Feed it junk food, let it sit around without moving it, let it rust, never try to increase its worth in any way. Yeah, that sounds like a fabulous plan for getting yourself where you want to be.

However, if you visualize yourself as a classic cruiser that just needs a few adjustments, then what do you think you’ll do? You'll make those adjustments! Not only that, but you’ll see the potential in yourself from the beginning. So you have a dented bumper or you’re kind of a slow runner.  Why not focus on those great headlights (yeah, I just took away my own feminist card) or the fact that you can outswim everyone you know? Maybe your gas mileage isn’t so great or you want to lose those muffin tops. So focus on the fact that your brakes work perfectly and that you have killer arms.

I’m going to stop with the car references because the above is pretty much the extent of my auto knowledge, but the message here should be obvious by now: Focus on the positive, and the rest will follow. Treat yourself well – even if you aren’t exactly who or what you want to be right now – and your mind and body will respond in turn. You can’t improve yourself until you love yourself.

What do you think? Can you improve yourself if you don’t care about yourself? Do you make the most progress when you find things you really like about you? If you like yourself more, do you treat yourself better so that you can keep advancing your goals? Do you beg to differ with everything I’ve said and think I’m totally full of it? Let me know!

I like to think of myself like this classic '57 T-Bird rather than a hoop-D with bad shocks.

Thursday Thoughts

Can I just take a quick second to mention how much this cover pisses me off? First of all, I am a huge Jen Aniston fan, and I feel like she has been painted as this lonely, crazy, desperate woman ever since she and Brad Pitt split. And even though People is apparently trying to make her look good with this article, it only feeds into this whole Brad, Angelina, Jen triangle gossip. And it makes Jen look pathetic, plain and simple.


And just a few things about the cover’s tag line: “Five Years After Brad”

a) Why are we commemorating this? Was Brad a natural disaster? A national tragedy? Any important moment in history at all? Not in my book. Yes, they were Hollywood’s ‘It’ couple, and no, I really do not like Angelina, but really? It was a divorce caused by an affair. It happens. It’s sad, of course, but it does happen. To regular people every single day. I realize they’re in the spotlight, but come ON. It’s time to get over it. In fact, it was time to get over it about four years ago.

b) Why isn’t it, “Five Years After Jen?” Because Brad seems to have it all together with his family? Because he left her? So what? Her career has been doing pretty well, and it’s not like she’s been sitting at home every day and night. She’s shown out and about with different people all the time, so I think she might be doing OK. Having that one person in her life doesn’t make her unfulfilled, and I really wish the media would stop suggesting that. Also, have you SEEN Brad Pitt lately? He’s looking slightly homeless, and apparently “sources close to” him are saying that his odor is getting slightly offensive. Soo, I think she’s got it together enough to shower at the very least.

c) I love how tabloids (whatevs, People, you are SO a tabloid) make it seem like every time a woman steps out looking better than before that it’s a breakup revenge. What if she just wants to feel good about herself? There’s a novel idea.

I realize that had nothing to do with health or fitness or any sort of tuning into your body, but it just had to be said. And you know what? Maybe she looks so fabulous these days because she stopped being so concerned with listening to all the static from other people, and just started turning the dial to Jen FM. How about we put THAT on the cover?

Just Say No

Ralphie should have just said no.

Ah, the holidays. The most wonderful time of the year, no? Well, in recent years with our winter festivities running on steroids and taking up every waking second, for some the answer to that question might really be a big fat NO. From Thanksgiving to January 1st, there’s plenty of time to go crazy with everything we try to do. I personally love the holidays, but even I can’t help feeling as though I’m being stretched a little thin around this time of year.

I’ve found that the only solution to this problem is something I’m sure you’ve heard over and over again: Learn how to say ‘no.’ Just one word, two little letters, but for some reason, it’s really, really hard for a lot of us – especially women – to say it, even when we truly want to. This idea should be put into practice all year round honestly, but we’ll take baby steps and start with the holidays. So here’s an idea: stop considering every other person on the planet’s feelings and start considering what you actually need to do to keep your sanity this winter.

If you’ve been invited to your eighth cookie-decorating party of the season hosted by your third cousin once removed, and you just totally need to go running instead or you’ll strangle the first kid who reaches across you for the vanilla frosting, then say no. If you’re asked to partake in yet another Secret Santa or Dirty Christmas exchange, and you are totally tapped out and buying even a tiny gift will make you and your wallet scream, just say no. If your coworkers ask you to go out for holiday happy hour (again), and you haven’t even been able to enjoy your Christmas tree or just sit and enjoy a cup of hot cocoa at home yet, then say no. No matter what anyone says, taking time out for you during the holidays is not selfish. It’s essential.

So here’s the challenge: In what’s left of your holiday season (hey, we all have New Year’s coming up), just say no to one thing you actually don’t want to do. Maybe you do want to hit up that cookie party – go ahead and bring your award-winning sugar cookies. But if you feel like you’d rather spend booze calories and bar time on a mug full of chocolate and marshmallows while taking in the A Christmas Story marathon (leg lamps, frozen tongues, and Red Ryder air rifles for 24 hours straight on TBS starting tomorrow!), then tell the office pals you’ll see them on Monday. The world will not stop turning if you miss one holiday gathering this year. I promise. So go, enjoy the holiday season, and report back on how good it felt to say no!

So I realized I never really went into how I turned my entire career upside down and went into personal training. I don't even really know if I mentioned I was going to do it (might have mentioned it here). I just stopped posting and then I came back and was like, "Blah, blah, quit my job, yadda yadda, and at the gym... ." So here's the story...

I had been working with a trainer at my gym downtown, and I kept complaining about how tired I always was and how much I hated my job (my soul felt it was being sucked out by the industrial strength vacuums my company sold). Slowly that turned into me asking my trainer about his certifications and how everyone at the gym had gotten into training. Finally, he just said, "Why don't you just get certified?" and it just all became so clear. He suggested that I go through ISSA, which turned out to be genius, because it's accredited by the US Department of Education, meaning that my nice office job would pay for it since it counted as continuing education!

Anyway, I planned to get certified, save up a little more money, and then transition into the new job. Well, only problem was that I hated my job SO much that it was affecting the rest of my life. I was so apathetic that I had no motivation to do anything. Except study, that is. Because I knew that the sooner I could get certified, the sooner I could get OUT of a job I knew in my heart was all wrong for me. So I studied nonstop for two months -- on the train, after work, all weekend long. I was just finishing the program when I decided that the day had come to put in my two-weeks notice. So I did, and on my last day of work, I found out I had passed my exam and had become a certified personal trainer. Whew.

Then I took a month off to just enjoy a Chicago summer. I read, I wrote, I tanned (yeah, yeah, I KNOW), I slept. I loved it, but I was ready to get back to work because I was getting restless (my Dad has told me before that he always thought I had ADHD), and, oh right, I was running out of moo-lah. So I decided I needed to start applying to gyms, but I already knew where I wanted to work. I interviewed at a few places, but I had always intended to work at the gym where I had originally trained as a client. I walked in and asked for the fitness director, and as soon as he saw me, he said, "Well, look who it is!" He had me fill out and application and set up a practical interview on the spot. I knew I was going to like this job!

Fast forward to two months later, and I'm slowly building up a client base and loving this job so much more than anything I've ever done. The days are long, and right now the pay is crappy, but I have so much more energy, and I'm so much more positive than I've been in quite some time. It was a change to go from working in a sedate office environment with mostly females to a loud gym with almost all dudes who say plenty of things that the feminist in me says I should be reporting to HR. (Kidding. Sort of.) But I really love everything about it. Work doesn't always feel like work, and exercising and talking to people are part of my job description. And I adore my coworkers, because in this job, it's not weird to be friends with the people you see most of the day. OH, and did I mention I get to wear sweats and spandex and running shoes all day? Plus, believe it or not, I actually feel like I'm using my degree more than I did before. I've always wanted to use my English and Women's Studies majors to do something with women's health/fitness, focusing especially on body image. This job is like the perfect case study for that! And I get to help people get healthy and feel better about themselves. And liking my job this much has motivated me even more to work on the other half of my dream -- writing. So, as I mentioned before, everything in my life might not be perfect right now, but I feel like I'm finally on the right track.

Big or small, what's something you've changed in your life lately?

Together Again

So listen guys, Running and I may have gotten back together. I know, I know. It was a short break. But I thought about it a lot. And we are going to take things slow this time. Not dive into it like last time and tell ourselves that 6 to 8 miles at a fast clip every single day is good for us.

Running and I have talked about it, and we're going to keep things casual for a while. I think I'm still going to do other activities, and we'll just spend a little time together every week. It will be kind of like when you break up with your boyfriend but miss him terribly because you know you can be so good together, so you decide that you guys will still talk sometimes and just meet up for coffee and maybe dinner, until you have it all figured out. Keep it friendly and without commitment, you know? (I need to stop comparing running to boyfriends and actually start dating, I think, because this is getting ridiculous.)

But instead of coffee (which I miss terribly right now because I am trying to give it up for a whole week!), we are doing short jogs a few times per week. Wednesday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, and today I did 23. This weekend, if I'm really feeling it, I might take Running out for a spin by the lake. But an easy spin. I'm running when I feel like it and not forcing myself to do it when my shins are screaming or I'm drained after a long day at work. Because I believe that with Running, as with any other good relationship, my heart should actually be in it.

Loving Me For Me

OK, so I was cranky today. And a little yesterday. Alright, fine, and the day before. So let's do a little exercise in positivity, shall we?

Quick -- name two things you love about your physical self (I'm feeling a little shallow today, too) right now. Not when you weigh ten pounds less or when you have a tan or when you have had time to get yourself all gussied up. Right this very instant.

I will start, because...well, I need to stop being so cranky.

A few things I LOVE about myself:

1) My eyebrows. Even when I'm wearing zero makeup, they still give me a little drama and make me look more expressive. I touch them up a little with the tweezers, but other than that I guess I've been given good brow genes. (Thanks, Mom!)
2) My eyes. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, or how much sun I've gotten, they are still a lovely shade of blue that changes depending on what I'm wearing. I've even been told they're 'mesmerizing.' (If you must know, I actually laughed really hard at this, embarrassing the boy who said it. Sometimes I don't handle compliments very well...)
3) Yeah, three, whatever, it's my blog. I really like the part of my ankle that slopes into my feet. It's strong but somewhat delicate at the same time (which is not representative of me at all, but I love it anyway), and I like the way my ankles and legs look in heels. Actually I kind of like my feet too, even though I have been told they're atrocious. Years of dancing, running, and swimming will do that to you I guess. Whatevs, they're lived in and strong, and that makes me like them even more.

OK, so I guess I actually listed four. I cheated.

What do you all love about your bod or your appearance right now? And since I broke the rules, you can too. Name as many things as you like!

The Voice Within

So, why am I on this sudden crusade to force myself (and hopefully convince other women) to listen to my (their) own body? Why am I all of a sudden realizing that I have been ignoring that voice for oh...the last 5 years? A culmination of things really.

First of all, my mom, the perpetual health nut and amazing nurse practitioner, has been on an even healthier kick since she started working at a new preventative medicine office. The doctors there are all about all-natural this and no-artificial that. Which I thought was cool from the get go, but never really gave it a second thought. However, mommy dearest has also been doing research and conducting presentations for the last few years on hormone therapy. While most of what she does is for menopausal women, she is well-versed in the study of other hormones and the effects they have on our bodies, too. She has worked with countless women who had no idea what was wrong other than the fact that they didn't feel 'right.' She has helped to correct imbalances and I admire her for her tireless dedication to improving the lives of others.

Personally, I've always had issues with my hormones, and recently I've decided that I really need to fix that. First of all, I was a very late bloomer, not hitting puberty until I was about 16. Some might think, 'oh cool, so you got to eat crap until you were 16 and not worry about it because your metabolism was probably that of a 12-year-old boy.' Well, yes and no. I was able to eat junk because I was essentially a prepubescent boy and also because I was crazy active, never doing less than two sports at a time. That was great -- until I hit DID hit puberty and didn't know how to handle the fact that my body didn't work the same way anymore. We had always been healthy eaters in my house, but I hadn't had to worry about portion control because I ate when I was hungry and stopped when full. Ah yes, intuitive eating, sound familiar? Well, senior year of high school, I merely filled out and finally looked sort of like a woman, so I wasn't too worried. But in college, I gained another 10 and decided that enough was enough and that I just wanted to feel good in my jeans again. So I did Weight Watchers online, which was great! I totally credit it with my successful loss and my learning that a serving of pasta was 1 cup and not the entire plate I had eaten to carbo-load for the state swim meets.

OK, so what's the problem with that? If that had been the end of my story, there would be no problem, but ... that's not the end. In fact, just now, there is no end. I suppose a little more background might be helpful here. After losing the weight and coming home very skinny after freshman year of college, I wanted to maintain that. After all, everyone else had gained the freshman 15 and I seemed to have lost it -- and then some. I did fine that summer, losing even a few more pounds (when I actually shouldn't have), and when I came back sophomore year, I came back ready to love college and make that year mine. It was at this point that I really stopped ignoring the signals my body was giving me.

I've always been an overachiever, and starting that year of college, I'm sure that peaked. Not only did I want to excel in school and in my activities, but I began focusing a little too much on food and exercise. To spare you the details, I didn't have a menstrual period for almost 3 years, at one point a few friends were concerned, and my cortisol levels were far too high. However, I ignored many of these signals -- that I was tired, that my body wasn't functioning normally, that some of my behaviors weren't the healthiest -- until senior year. I do credit some of my women's studies classes with helping me find a balance between unrealistic societal expectations and what I was actually capable of, but it was second semester senior year that really showed me how ragged I had run myself.

After finishing finals for my second-to-last semester of college, I had a breakdown of sorts and couldn't calm down, even when all of those stressors were removed. I called my sister sobbing hysterically, and when she asked what was wrong, I told her that I had just turned in my last paper and that I was done with the semester. She was worried after that, and the fact that she was concerned worried me. After talking to my mom, I went to our family physician at the time, and he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I thought he must be crazy at first because I had energy all the time and was almost always happy. I was social and successful and had everything going my way. But I also knew that I had been ignoring the fact that some days I felt terrible emotionally for no reason and that often, I wished I could sleep well into the afternoon. Still, it was a shock. But within three days of taking medication, my period came back and I haven't had a problem since. Clearly though, there had been a problem before. All I can think is that my cortisol levels were finally brought down and my body reacted quickly. While I didn't stay on the medication for very long (the fact that I was using artificial chemicals to fix imbalances in my brain freaked me OUT), and I know I still struggle with depression, I do credit those little pills with fixing at least one of my issues.

Fast forward to over two years later, and I'm still not completely sure how to listen to my body all of the time. Especially working full-time in an office setting, it's hard to listen to what you need sometimes. I have a deadline, so I can't be sick. I have to play office politics and be friendly, so I can't go off to lunch by myself today and write, even if it's what I really need to do. For the record, I am a very friendly person! But I think everyone can relate to needing a breather every now and then. I also think that women, more than anyone else, are expected to be social and talkative, and "on" all the time. On Friday, for example, I should have called sick because I felt sick to my stomach all morning. Instead though, I went in to work (an hour and a half commute) and tried to get some stuff done before admitting defeat and asking to go home. I should have listened to my body in the first place.

I do think I'm slowly getting better at it, but I think that is coming with practice and with understanding that what you need emotionally is also sometimes what you need physically. I plan on becoming a personal trainer because a) I know that this office job is not what I am meant to do and that it is not making me happy and b) I can feel physically that what I do is not good for my body and the way I personally work. Sitting at a desk all day (in the lower level with no sunlight) and hardly moving all day is not doing my body or my mind any favors. But because I (like many women), do not like giving up on things, it was hard to come to terms with the fact that working a 9to5 is not for me, even though it seems to suit all of my friends just fine. However, I do think that listening to my body, mind, and heart is going to get me a lot further -- in many respects.

How about you? Could you stand to listen to your body a bit more? Or are you pretty tuned in?