MIA

Oops, month-long hiatus....

I've been busy, but I'll get back to it soon! Let's just say some big changes are under way. I recently cut the cord at work, so in less than two weeks I will be dunzo with corporate America. I'm going to do the writing thing full-time (a book?!), and in about a month (after I practice on myself and kick my butt into awesome shape) I'm going to apply to a bunch of gyms in the area as a personal trainer! I am so pumped it's not even funny. And things seem to really be falling into place for me....more details on that later.

On the health front, I found out why I am exhausted ALL THE TIME. Apparently I have crazy-low iron levels, so that means I started taking a supplement right away. Hopefully I'll see results soon, but until then, Mom (she's a nurse practitioner at a preventative medicine office) tells me I shouldn't be doing crazy intense workouts or anything, and she's surprised I haven't passed out. Wow. OK. Time to take my health even more seriously! If other things weren't motivation enough, this is kind of a big deal. I need to fix it before it turns into full-blown anemia. This means I'm going to try to even incorporate a little -- gulp -- red meat into my diet.

As far as fitness goes, I've been working on doing more resistance training (nothing crazy, obvi; see above), and making sure that hitting the weight room at least three times per week is the norm. I think I lost some muscle mass after moving here because I focused mostly on cardio. Losing the muscle mass probably is making it harder to lose, so I've gotta work on that. Well, now I'm doing a bit of both, and making gym time a priority. I know that I cannot sacrifice my health for financial reasons. For a while I was taking on extra freelance work (after looong days spent commuting and working), but the extra money did me no good, as it was costing me my health. Plus I was probably buying crap and processed shit that cost more anyway because I was always so tired. Anyway. I cannot wait until I have a few weeks off to focus on (not obsess over) my health and my writing after I leave my desk job.

Sigh. OK. I'm feeling good about life, and that was my explanation for dropping off the face of the blogging planet. Once I have a little more time, you can bet this baby will becoming more of a priority! I love health and fitness, and I love writing, so perfect combo right here. Until then though (9 working days!), posts will be sporadic so that I can focus on really tuning into what this girl's body really needs!

Together Again

So listen guys, Running and I may have gotten back together. I know, I know. It was a short break. But I thought about it a lot. And we are going to take things slow this time. Not dive into it like last time and tell ourselves that 6 to 8 miles at a fast clip every single day is good for us.

Running and I have talked about it, and we're going to keep things casual for a while. I think I'm still going to do other activities, and we'll just spend a little time together every week. It will be kind of like when you break up with your boyfriend but miss him terribly because you know you can be so good together, so you decide that you guys will still talk sometimes and just meet up for coffee and maybe dinner, until you have it all figured out. Keep it friendly and without commitment, you know? (I need to stop comparing running to boyfriends and actually start dating, I think, because this is getting ridiculous.)

But instead of coffee (which I miss terribly right now because I am trying to give it up for a whole week!), we are doing short jogs a few times per week. Wednesday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, and today I did 23. This weekend, if I'm really feeling it, I might take Running out for a spin by the lake. But an easy spin. I'm running when I feel like it and not forcing myself to do it when my shins are screaming or I'm drained after a long day at work. Because I believe that with Running, as with any other good relationship, my heart should actually be in it.

Loving Me For Me

OK, so I was cranky today. And a little yesterday. Alright, fine, and the day before. So let's do a little exercise in positivity, shall we?

Quick -- name two things you love about your physical self (I'm feeling a little shallow today, too) right now. Not when you weigh ten pounds less or when you have a tan or when you have had time to get yourself all gussied up. Right this very instant.

I will start, because...well, I need to stop being so cranky.

A few things I LOVE about myself:

1) My eyebrows. Even when I'm wearing zero makeup, they still give me a little drama and make me look more expressive. I touch them up a little with the tweezers, but other than that I guess I've been given good brow genes. (Thanks, Mom!)
2) My eyes. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, or how much sun I've gotten, they are still a lovely shade of blue that changes depending on what I'm wearing. I've even been told they're 'mesmerizing.' (If you must know, I actually laughed really hard at this, embarrassing the boy who said it. Sometimes I don't handle compliments very well...)
3) Yeah, three, whatever, it's my blog. I really like the part of my ankle that slopes into my feet. It's strong but somewhat delicate at the same time (which is not representative of me at all, but I love it anyway), and I like the way my ankles and legs look in heels. Actually I kind of like my feet too, even though I have been told they're atrocious. Years of dancing, running, and swimming will do that to you I guess. Whatevs, they're lived in and strong, and that makes me like them even more.

OK, so I guess I actually listed four. I cheated.

What do you all love about your bod or your appearance right now? And since I broke the rules, you can too. Name as many things as you like!

I'm Full of Artificial Sweetener

Ten points for whoever can name that song. (which really shouldn't be hard, especially if you know me)

So.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this whole hormonal imbalance idea. I already know my hormones are a bit wacky, and I've been doing a lot of reading about fixing your hormones on your own by living clean --especially eating clean. So I've decided I should clean up my diet. Now it's not like I am a regular at McDonald's, but I know I eat some things that are so not good for me that it's not even funny. I want to get rid of the icky stuff to see if I can a) fix my crazy hormones and maybe even my moods (omg, winter in Chicago did NOT help) and b) drop some lbs that I have not been happy about carrying around for the past year.

And I know I should want to eat clean, simple, whole foods for the fact that it's good for me (and the environment!) alone. Buuuut, I'm a girl. And a girl that is used to being thin and fit, so the weight thing is going to be an issue that I will try to tackle as well. Because, you see, I have been trying to get back in shape. I really have. I've even gone down a size... but it took me MONTHS. I know my desk job isn't helping, but I spend a fair amount of time at the gym and spinach and I are practically BFFs these days. I should be losing at a slow, healthy pace, no? Well, no, I'm not. I'm hardly losing at all. I eat mindfully and make sure it's mostly healthy foods. I count the cals and up my protein. I'm a Bally regular and I walk everywhere that I can. I am awesome about it for weeks on end, eschewing drinking and increasing my cardio, doing all the right things. And I can feel little differences, I really can. But then I go to weigh myself or try on the pair of pants that was just a tiny bit too snug, and NOTHING. I think my face looks thinner and my pants are looser, but no, the scale has other ideas and laughs in my face. And then, in my self-pitying state, I will go buy something chocolate as soon as I leave the gym. A tad counterproductive -- I do realize this. And I know this is not a good habit! I don't know where it came from because it didn't happen until recently. But anyway. Another topic, another time.

Point is, my metabolism should NOT be this shot. I'm only 23 (24 in 2 weeks, eep!) so it might not be like when I was 16, but it should not be as slow as it is! I'm sure a little disordered eating in my past has not helped it, but whoa, it's like it's not running at all. Anyway, I've been reading a lot of Jillian Michaels' tidbits on hormonal imbalance (love her, want her arms and her tranny cut abs) and also Dr. Hyman's UltraMetabolism/UltraSimple Diet plans, and they all say our bodies are messed up from the fake crap we put into them.

Soooo... first on the agenda is cutting out the -- you guessed it -- artificial sweetener. In college, I was Queen Splenda and an expert on all things sugarfree. Even though most of those SF products gave me stomach pain and sent me to the bathroom (TMI, yeah sorry), I didn't care because I was skinny. Now, I think I'm finally paying for it. (Either that or Starbucks found out I was stealing Splenda and has decided to conspire against me, slipping full fat cream into my coffee instead of soy. Corporate coffee karma or something like that.) So, while I still may have other not-so-hot-for-me foods in my diet, I'm going to start with this one step and nix the chemically altered sugar subs. It's been almost a week and I'm still going strong...which is hard for me because I was chewing gum like it was my JOB when I was at my actual job. Just sipping on H2O at my desk all day is weird. It feels like something is missing, but I know this is a good thing! Next up, I'm going to cut out sugar for a bit (not fruit though, no way. this ALWAYS backfires on me) and then alcohol. But not this weekend, because come Saturday I plan on having the Corona that is calling my name from the fridge. After this hellish week, it's been practically yelling at me, in fact.

I'll leave you with a few of the scary foods I was eating before:

Splenda, one of the usual suspects. I was putting this on everything save dinner. Unless dinner was oatmeal, then all bets were off.

Not saying these are all bad, and that folks haven't succeeded on the SB Diet, but...to lower the carbs, they had to do a lot of playing around in a lab. I personally do not want to ingest someone's science experiment.

When I was a whiskey-swilling skinny bitch in college, Diet Coke and I used to have a lot of threesomes with Jack (Daniel). I was a wild woman, I tell ya.

Ah yes, my favorite of all the scary shit I've eaten. 50 grams of protein in one shake folks. I'm not sure what I was even going for here. But wait... it gets better....

This is what it looks like mixed up!! I'm pretty sure this color does not occur in nature, and if it does, you shouldn't eat it. This picture doesn't even do it justice either. And believe it or not, this tastes worse than it looks. I pretty much don't have a gag reflex -- nothing makes me ill -- and this almost made me vom right in the work cafeteria. It was 'strawberry' but tasted like salty PeptoBismol. Mmmm.

OK, so, just looking at that last picture reminded me of why I need to clean up my act. Where do you think you can stand to or where would you like to clean up your eating habits?

A Runner's Low

Dear Running,

I don't know how to say this but... I think we need to take a break. I know what you're thinking, by 'break' I mean that it's over, right? No, no, no, please. Let me reassure you that this is not what I mean at all. Because I love you, I really do. Our history is a long and complicated one, but one with more happiness than sadness, and I am just not willing to give you up.

But we still need to take a break. You say you'll try harder because you want to make this work. I say we've been trying, and I'm getting more and more frustrated. You say you didn't realize how bad the problem was getting. And I say, how could you not? My runs have dwindled to maybe once a week, and I haven't had a good run outside since St. Patrick's Day. The thing is, we both saw this coming, and we were both just waiting for the other to say something. You, dragging my feet when I try to break into a trot. Me, resisting your allure when you call to me on beautiful spring days from the lakefront trail just two blocks from my apartment.

In fact, I have a confession to make. You've been so hard on me and my shins and my ego lately that, well, I've been driven into the arms of another. I know I've always been faithful to you, but I just needed some time away and the elliptical understood me! You know, I really don't like it much, and I don't really know how much it's doing for me, but it doesn't hurt me. Probably won't be too upset when I break things off and dash back to you, either. It's like that cute boy I had a thing with a few summers ago, who I didn't really have any interest in, but who didn't really give me any grief either. The elliptical may just sit there and look pretty and not contribute at ALL while I do my thing and mindlessly burn calories, but it doesn't cause me the pain that you have over the last few months.

And Running, sweetheart, the pain is not just physical. So my hormones went crazy and living through a winter in Chicago made my frame a little heavier. Is that any reason to slow my pace down by the amount that you did? Of course I can still run -- it's not like I'm carrying around an extra person or anything -- but did you have to make me feel like I had never been a runner ever before in my life? Did you have to take my 7:30 pace away from me, and hand me a 9-minute mile on a good day, even through months of work? You make me feel lazy and like there is something wrong with me. I know you don't mean to, but you hurt me psychologically and emotionally. Lately, I've caught you checking out other girls (and even guys!), and you've been sending signals that tell me you don't think I'm a 'runner' anymore.

So, again, we need to take a break. Like I said, I love you, but I think some time apart would do us both some good. You go wild on the bike path next to Lakeshore drive. Have a ball down by North Avenue Beach. And I will enjoy the company of my trusty ten speed (once the tires are blown back up) and of the pool and the weights at the gym. We'll go out and see other people (activities?), and we will eventually realize how much we miss one another. I'll still wear your shoes and think of you fondly, and you'll make someone else pick up their pace when a really great/horrible pop song comes on. You'll miss my dedication to you, and I'll miss how badass I feel after finishing a ten miler and how hot my legs look in a dress. Don't roll your eyes at me, you know my vanity is endearing.

Keep in touch, with all my heart, xoxo, etc, etc,

Heather

The Voice Within

So, why am I on this sudden crusade to force myself (and hopefully convince other women) to listen to my (their) own body? Why am I all of a sudden realizing that I have been ignoring that voice for oh...the last 5 years? A culmination of things really.

First of all, my mom, the perpetual health nut and amazing nurse practitioner, has been on an even healthier kick since she started working at a new preventative medicine office. The doctors there are all about all-natural this and no-artificial that. Which I thought was cool from the get go, but never really gave it a second thought. However, mommy dearest has also been doing research and conducting presentations for the last few years on hormone therapy. While most of what she does is for menopausal women, she is well-versed in the study of other hormones and the effects they have on our bodies, too. She has worked with countless women who had no idea what was wrong other than the fact that they didn't feel 'right.' She has helped to correct imbalances and I admire her for her tireless dedication to improving the lives of others.

Personally, I've always had issues with my hormones, and recently I've decided that I really need to fix that. First of all, I was a very late bloomer, not hitting puberty until I was about 16. Some might think, 'oh cool, so you got to eat crap until you were 16 and not worry about it because your metabolism was probably that of a 12-year-old boy.' Well, yes and no. I was able to eat junk because I was essentially a prepubescent boy and also because I was crazy active, never doing less than two sports at a time. That was great -- until I hit DID hit puberty and didn't know how to handle the fact that my body didn't work the same way anymore. We had always been healthy eaters in my house, but I hadn't had to worry about portion control because I ate when I was hungry and stopped when full. Ah yes, intuitive eating, sound familiar? Well, senior year of high school, I merely filled out and finally looked sort of like a woman, so I wasn't too worried. But in college, I gained another 10 and decided that enough was enough and that I just wanted to feel good in my jeans again. So I did Weight Watchers online, which was great! I totally credit it with my successful loss and my learning that a serving of pasta was 1 cup and not the entire plate I had eaten to carbo-load for the state swim meets.

OK, so what's the problem with that? If that had been the end of my story, there would be no problem, but ... that's not the end. In fact, just now, there is no end. I suppose a little more background might be helpful here. After losing the weight and coming home very skinny after freshman year of college, I wanted to maintain that. After all, everyone else had gained the freshman 15 and I seemed to have lost it -- and then some. I did fine that summer, losing even a few more pounds (when I actually shouldn't have), and when I came back sophomore year, I came back ready to love college and make that year mine. It was at this point that I really stopped ignoring the signals my body was giving me.

I've always been an overachiever, and starting that year of college, I'm sure that peaked. Not only did I want to excel in school and in my activities, but I began focusing a little too much on food and exercise. To spare you the details, I didn't have a menstrual period for almost 3 years, at one point a few friends were concerned, and my cortisol levels were far too high. However, I ignored many of these signals -- that I was tired, that my body wasn't functioning normally, that some of my behaviors weren't the healthiest -- until senior year. I do credit some of my women's studies classes with helping me find a balance between unrealistic societal expectations and what I was actually capable of, but it was second semester senior year that really showed me how ragged I had run myself.

After finishing finals for my second-to-last semester of college, I had a breakdown of sorts and couldn't calm down, even when all of those stressors were removed. I called my sister sobbing hysterically, and when she asked what was wrong, I told her that I had just turned in my last paper and that I was done with the semester. She was worried after that, and the fact that she was concerned worried me. After talking to my mom, I went to our family physician at the time, and he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I thought he must be crazy at first because I had energy all the time and was almost always happy. I was social and successful and had everything going my way. But I also knew that I had been ignoring the fact that some days I felt terrible emotionally for no reason and that often, I wished I could sleep well into the afternoon. Still, it was a shock. But within three days of taking medication, my period came back and I haven't had a problem since. Clearly though, there had been a problem before. All I can think is that my cortisol levels were finally brought down and my body reacted quickly. While I didn't stay on the medication for very long (the fact that I was using artificial chemicals to fix imbalances in my brain freaked me OUT), and I know I still struggle with depression, I do credit those little pills with fixing at least one of my issues.

Fast forward to over two years later, and I'm still not completely sure how to listen to my body all of the time. Especially working full-time in an office setting, it's hard to listen to what you need sometimes. I have a deadline, so I can't be sick. I have to play office politics and be friendly, so I can't go off to lunch by myself today and write, even if it's what I really need to do. For the record, I am a very friendly person! But I think everyone can relate to needing a breather every now and then. I also think that women, more than anyone else, are expected to be social and talkative, and "on" all the time. On Friday, for example, I should have called sick because I felt sick to my stomach all morning. Instead though, I went in to work (an hour and a half commute) and tried to get some stuff done before admitting defeat and asking to go home. I should have listened to my body in the first place.

I do think I'm slowly getting better at it, but I think that is coming with practice and with understanding that what you need emotionally is also sometimes what you need physically. I plan on becoming a personal trainer because a) I know that this office job is not what I am meant to do and that it is not making me happy and b) I can feel physically that what I do is not good for my body and the way I personally work. Sitting at a desk all day (in the lower level with no sunlight) and hardly moving all day is not doing my body or my mind any favors. But because I (like many women), do not like giving up on things, it was hard to come to terms with the fact that working a 9to5 is not for me, even though it seems to suit all of my friends just fine. However, I do think that listening to my body, mind, and heart is going to get me a lot further -- in many respects.

How about you? Could you stand to listen to your body a bit more? Or are you pretty tuned in?