Together Again

So listen guys, Running and I may have gotten back together. I know, I know. It was a short break. But I thought about it a lot. And we are going to take things slow this time. Not dive into it like last time and tell ourselves that 6 to 8 miles at a fast clip every single day is good for us.

Running and I have talked about it, and we're going to keep things casual for a while. I think I'm still going to do other activities, and we'll just spend a little time together every week. It will be kind of like when you break up with your boyfriend but miss him terribly because you know you can be so good together, so you decide that you guys will still talk sometimes and just meet up for coffee and maybe dinner, until you have it all figured out. Keep it friendly and without commitment, you know? (I need to stop comparing running to boyfriends and actually start dating, I think, because this is getting ridiculous.)

But instead of coffee (which I miss terribly right now because I am trying to give it up for a whole week!), we are doing short jogs a few times per week. Wednesday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, and today I did 23. This weekend, if I'm really feeling it, I might take Running out for a spin by the lake. But an easy spin. I'm running when I feel like it and not forcing myself to do it when my shins are screaming or I'm drained after a long day at work. Because I believe that with Running, as with any other good relationship, my heart should actually be in it.

Loving Me For Me

OK, so I was cranky today. And a little yesterday. Alright, fine, and the day before. So let's do a little exercise in positivity, shall we?

Quick -- name two things you love about your physical self (I'm feeling a little shallow today, too) right now. Not when you weigh ten pounds less or when you have a tan or when you have had time to get yourself all gussied up. Right this very instant.

I will start, because...well, I need to stop being so cranky.

A few things I LOVE about myself:

1) My eyebrows. Even when I'm wearing zero makeup, they still give me a little drama and make me look more expressive. I touch them up a little with the tweezers, but other than that I guess I've been given good brow genes. (Thanks, Mom!)
2) My eyes. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, or how much sun I've gotten, they are still a lovely shade of blue that changes depending on what I'm wearing. I've even been told they're 'mesmerizing.' (If you must know, I actually laughed really hard at this, embarrassing the boy who said it. Sometimes I don't handle compliments very well...)
3) Yeah, three, whatever, it's my blog. I really like the part of my ankle that slopes into my feet. It's strong but somewhat delicate at the same time (which is not representative of me at all, but I love it anyway), and I like the way my ankles and legs look in heels. Actually I kind of like my feet too, even though I have been told they're atrocious. Years of dancing, running, and swimming will do that to you I guess. Whatevs, they're lived in and strong, and that makes me like them even more.

OK, so I guess I actually listed four. I cheated.

What do you all love about your bod or your appearance right now? And since I broke the rules, you can too. Name as many things as you like!

I'm Full of Artificial Sweetener

Ten points for whoever can name that song. (which really shouldn't be hard, especially if you know me)

So.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this whole hormonal imbalance idea. I already know my hormones are a bit wacky, and I've been doing a lot of reading about fixing your hormones on your own by living clean --especially eating clean. So I've decided I should clean up my diet. Now it's not like I am a regular at McDonald's, but I know I eat some things that are so not good for me that it's not even funny. I want to get rid of the icky stuff to see if I can a) fix my crazy hormones and maybe even my moods (omg, winter in Chicago did NOT help) and b) drop some lbs that I have not been happy about carrying around for the past year.

And I know I should want to eat clean, simple, whole foods for the fact that it's good for me (and the environment!) alone. Buuuut, I'm a girl. And a girl that is used to being thin and fit, so the weight thing is going to be an issue that I will try to tackle as well. Because, you see, I have been trying to get back in shape. I really have. I've even gone down a size... but it took me MONTHS. I know my desk job isn't helping, but I spend a fair amount of time at the gym and spinach and I are practically BFFs these days. I should be losing at a slow, healthy pace, no? Well, no, I'm not. I'm hardly losing at all. I eat mindfully and make sure it's mostly healthy foods. I count the cals and up my protein. I'm a Bally regular and I walk everywhere that I can. I am awesome about it for weeks on end, eschewing drinking and increasing my cardio, doing all the right things. And I can feel little differences, I really can. But then I go to weigh myself or try on the pair of pants that was just a tiny bit too snug, and NOTHING. I think my face looks thinner and my pants are looser, but no, the scale has other ideas and laughs in my face. And then, in my self-pitying state, I will go buy something chocolate as soon as I leave the gym. A tad counterproductive -- I do realize this. And I know this is not a good habit! I don't know where it came from because it didn't happen until recently. But anyway. Another topic, another time.

Point is, my metabolism should NOT be this shot. I'm only 23 (24 in 2 weeks, eep!) so it might not be like when I was 16, but it should not be as slow as it is! I'm sure a little disordered eating in my past has not helped it, but whoa, it's like it's not running at all. Anyway, I've been reading a lot of Jillian Michaels' tidbits on hormonal imbalance (love her, want her arms and her tranny cut abs) and also Dr. Hyman's UltraMetabolism/UltraSimple Diet plans, and they all say our bodies are messed up from the fake crap we put into them.

Soooo... first on the agenda is cutting out the -- you guessed it -- artificial sweetener. In college, I was Queen Splenda and an expert on all things sugarfree. Even though most of those SF products gave me stomach pain and sent me to the bathroom (TMI, yeah sorry), I didn't care because I was skinny. Now, I think I'm finally paying for it. (Either that or Starbucks found out I was stealing Splenda and has decided to conspire against me, slipping full fat cream into my coffee instead of soy. Corporate coffee karma or something like that.) So, while I still may have other not-so-hot-for-me foods in my diet, I'm going to start with this one step and nix the chemically altered sugar subs. It's been almost a week and I'm still going strong...which is hard for me because I was chewing gum like it was my JOB when I was at my actual job. Just sipping on H2O at my desk all day is weird. It feels like something is missing, but I know this is a good thing! Next up, I'm going to cut out sugar for a bit (not fruit though, no way. this ALWAYS backfires on me) and then alcohol. But not this weekend, because come Saturday I plan on having the Corona that is calling my name from the fridge. After this hellish week, it's been practically yelling at me, in fact.

I'll leave you with a few of the scary foods I was eating before:

Splenda, one of the usual suspects. I was putting this on everything save dinner. Unless dinner was oatmeal, then all bets were off.

Not saying these are all bad, and that folks haven't succeeded on the SB Diet, but...to lower the carbs, they had to do a lot of playing around in a lab. I personally do not want to ingest someone's science experiment.

When I was a whiskey-swilling skinny bitch in college, Diet Coke and I used to have a lot of threesomes with Jack (Daniel). I was a wild woman, I tell ya.

Ah yes, my favorite of all the scary shit I've eaten. 50 grams of protein in one shake folks. I'm not sure what I was even going for here. But wait... it gets better....

This is what it looks like mixed up!! I'm pretty sure this color does not occur in nature, and if it does, you shouldn't eat it. This picture doesn't even do it justice either. And believe it or not, this tastes worse than it looks. I pretty much don't have a gag reflex -- nothing makes me ill -- and this almost made me vom right in the work cafeteria. It was 'strawberry' but tasted like salty PeptoBismol. Mmmm.

OK, so, just looking at that last picture reminded me of why I need to clean up my act. Where do you think you can stand to or where would you like to clean up your eating habits?

A Runner's Low

Dear Running,

I don't know how to say this but... I think we need to take a break. I know what you're thinking, by 'break' I mean that it's over, right? No, no, no, please. Let me reassure you that this is not what I mean at all. Because I love you, I really do. Our history is a long and complicated one, but one with more happiness than sadness, and I am just not willing to give you up.

But we still need to take a break. You say you'll try harder because you want to make this work. I say we've been trying, and I'm getting more and more frustrated. You say you didn't realize how bad the problem was getting. And I say, how could you not? My runs have dwindled to maybe once a week, and I haven't had a good run outside since St. Patrick's Day. The thing is, we both saw this coming, and we were both just waiting for the other to say something. You, dragging my feet when I try to break into a trot. Me, resisting your allure when you call to me on beautiful spring days from the lakefront trail just two blocks from my apartment.

In fact, I have a confession to make. You've been so hard on me and my shins and my ego lately that, well, I've been driven into the arms of another. I know I've always been faithful to you, but I just needed some time away and the elliptical understood me! You know, I really don't like it much, and I don't really know how much it's doing for me, but it doesn't hurt me. Probably won't be too upset when I break things off and dash back to you, either. It's like that cute boy I had a thing with a few summers ago, who I didn't really have any interest in, but who didn't really give me any grief either. The elliptical may just sit there and look pretty and not contribute at ALL while I do my thing and mindlessly burn calories, but it doesn't cause me the pain that you have over the last few months.

And Running, sweetheart, the pain is not just physical. So my hormones went crazy and living through a winter in Chicago made my frame a little heavier. Is that any reason to slow my pace down by the amount that you did? Of course I can still run -- it's not like I'm carrying around an extra person or anything -- but did you have to make me feel like I had never been a runner ever before in my life? Did you have to take my 7:30 pace away from me, and hand me a 9-minute mile on a good day, even through months of work? You make me feel lazy and like there is something wrong with me. I know you don't mean to, but you hurt me psychologically and emotionally. Lately, I've caught you checking out other girls (and even guys!), and you've been sending signals that tell me you don't think I'm a 'runner' anymore.

So, again, we need to take a break. Like I said, I love you, but I think some time apart would do us both some good. You go wild on the bike path next to Lakeshore drive. Have a ball down by North Avenue Beach. And I will enjoy the company of my trusty ten speed (once the tires are blown back up) and of the pool and the weights at the gym. We'll go out and see other people (activities?), and we will eventually realize how much we miss one another. I'll still wear your shoes and think of you fondly, and you'll make someone else pick up their pace when a really great/horrible pop song comes on. You'll miss my dedication to you, and I'll miss how badass I feel after finishing a ten miler and how hot my legs look in a dress. Don't roll your eyes at me, you know my vanity is endearing.

Keep in touch, with all my heart, xoxo, etc, etc,

Heather